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Secret Agent Man

The Rage-Inducing Business of Show

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The Rage-Inducing Business of Show
Photo Source: Pete McDonnell

I like to think I’m a positive person. I start every day with 20 minutes of yoga and a healthy breakfast. On the way to work, I listen to upbeat music from the ’80s. And sometimes, I even call mom just to say hi.

Then I arrive at my office.

The good vibes are usually gone by noon. It never fails. Someone will do or say something that makes me want to punch a hole in the wall.

You’re probably thinking I have anger issues, but I really don’t. It’s just this damn business we’re in. It sets me off like an explosion in a Michael Bay movie.

A few weeks ago, I advised you to buy a journal to record all your professional encounters. Well, I’ve decided to take a swig of my own medicine. For the next five days, I will write down every experience that makes me go ballistic. Then you can judge for yourself if my rage issues are justified or a serious mental condition that needs immediate treatment.

MONDAY

It’s the tail end of pilot season, and it’s still busy. I’m constantly pitching, begging, and trying to lock down some last-minute test deals. So why the hell is a client choosing this time of year to ask for my help with new headshots? The idiot actually dropped off a disc with over 200 choices on it!

Pilot season is not the time to take new pictures. You can do it before or after, but not during.

TUESDAY

A manager just set me off with her unrealistic expectations. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

Manager: Can you get our client in for the role of Sally in that movie Debra Zane is casting?

SAM: Uh, I don’t think so. That’s the lead opposite Matt Damon.

Manager: But she’s so right for it. Can’t you just make a call?

SAM: No, I would look stupid. They want a name for that part. 

Manager: Why are you being so negative?

SAM: Why are you being a bitch?

Click.

A lot of my conversations end this way. I guess some people can’t handle a direct question.

WEDNESDAY

Today, I had lunch with a casting friend at a restaurant that’s in an outdoor mall. On the way in, I noticed a photographer taking headshots of a young actor. It was a very public spot. The actor looked distracted. Curious, I wandered over and asked the photographer if she always shot her pictures there. She responded yes, because the mall was close to her apartment.

Her response made me angry so I pulled out my .357 Magnum and pumped three hollow-point rounds right into her selfish face.

Actually, that never happened. I just nodded and walked off, gritting my teeth.

THURSDAY

I scored a great audition today for a client who forgot to book out. Now I have to call the casting director and cancel it. I’m going to look like a fool.

FRIDAY

One of my favorite clients just fired me and signed with Gersh. Why? They promised him the world. But I guess they failed to mention he’s going to have to pay me commissions for the next six years on that series I got him.

This will probably end in arbitration. Talk about a waste of valuable time! I was so pissed that I turned into the Hulk. My assistant is still hiding under her desk. I really need to get that girl a raise.

And that’s the end of my thrilling week. What do you think? Is my soaring blood pressure justified or should I sign up for an anger management class?

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