I was the beautiful dancer performing in an elephant act with Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus. I wore a gold sequined costume, a high-volume hairpiece, eyelashes to high heaven, and a big 'ol cheesy grin.
And I'm flying through my tricks with Minnie, a 10,000-pound female elephant, just as I had for the past 500 shows. We were coming up on my favorite trick: all the elephants lay down on their sides, and after I set myself down on Minnie's forehead, I take the ride up as she sits up tall, her front paws in the air, me atop her large, lovely head.
In this show, after I finished situating myself atop her forehead, I gave Minnie the command to sit. And just as Minnie shifted her body weight, the elephant in front of Minnie passed gas—an extremely common occurrence.
Except that, even more unfortunately for me, we had also changed out the elephants' hay that week, so…let's just say that gas was not the only bodily function to hit my nose.
I was covered from head to toe in elephant dung in front of 25,000 screaming fans. What a beautiful sight.