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Take Me to the Pilot Season

Flashback: It's New Year's Eve, 10 minutes until the clock strikes midnight. People are cavorting around, dancing to some God-awful Lady Gaga song, drinking their Red Bulls and vodka, and deciding who they will settle on sleeping with in about an hour to begin their "New Year's resolution."

But me? I just stare. Stare at the puppy-of-the-month calendar hanging on the turquoise Frigidaire in front of me as people file by, making their way toward the keg. There it is, mocking me. My head is a void as I gaze at the coming months listed sequentially: January, February, March,'s pilot season.

No. Not again. I'm not ready yet. I haven't emotionally prepared myself for the roller coaster of angst that is Pilot Time. There is still work to be done. Granted, I have no idea what work that is, but remember how I said last year that this year would be different? New approach, new tactics, new attitude -- thanks, Patti LaBelle.

And now here I am, thick in the shit that is pilot season, and Charlie is all around me. The only problem is: Charlie won't give me a chance to come in and read for the role of wacky best friend of Brian Austin Green in the Untitled Brian Austin Green Project. Come on, Charlie!!

And if that weren't bad enough, here comes Mr. "Did Ya Hear What I Went Out For?" You know this guy. You run into him at some Kellogg's Mini-Wheats callback, and he can't wait to tell you the seemingly endless number of new shows that he just read for. And if that weren't reason enough to gouge his eyes out with the sign-in pen, he throws fuel on the fire with his "You would be great for a couple of these roles. You should really try to get in for that." I respond, "Yeah, I'll do that. Remind me what studio that it's casting at and I'll give them a call, you A-hole."

Look, I've read the trades. Isn't pilot season supposed to be dead? Aren't the networks developing year-round now? Didn't the writers strike change everything? Long answer: No! Oh sure, there will be new shows casting this summer. But unless you get excited about some new Lifetime series dealing with ladies who fancy cats or you want to host a Keno Dueling Contest on G4 -- feel free to steal and sell either of these ideas, by the way -- the big network boys still play in the first four months of the year. Period.

 So, I muster on, waiting by the phone, knowing that I am only a call away from finally getting a chance to read for that one big pilot that everyone is talking about. That all I need is…wait, my phone is ringing. BRB…. It was my agent! I'm on avail for Mini-Wheats! 
Regan Burns has hosted AMC's Cinemania  and has guest-starred on dozens of shows, including Comedy Central's Halfway Home, How I Met Your Mother, 'Til Death, Supernatural, Back to You, and Las Vegas.  

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