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Secret Agent Man

3 Times Actors Made Secret Agent Man Feel Awkward

3 Times Actors Made Secret Agent Man Feel Awkward
Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

Agents live a charmed life. We always know exactly what to do in any given situation. Every day is a new adventure where we are the masters of our own fate.

Is anyone buying this? No? I didn’t think so.

The truth is I often find myself in awkward situations that leave me at a loss for words. And this happens more often than you would imagine. In my mind, I like to think of myself as Fonzie but I often end up feeling like Ralph Malph.

Just last week, I had to visit a client on set. That’s usually a lot of fun; one of the many perks of being an agent. But this set visit was different because I was there to watch my client Cathy do a nude scene.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Secret Agent Man digs the female form, but watching someone you know undress in front of a crew is a little awkward, especially when there are bright lights shining down on her body.

Cathy wanted me there so I could make sure everyone honored the terms of her nudity clause. That meant the set had to be closed and only necessary personnel could be present. I also had to make sure no production stills were taken during the scene.

Luckily, the director got what he wanted in three takes. And that’s when the most uncomfortable moment of the day occurred. Instead of accepting the robe she was offered, Cathy walked over to me in her birthday suit, planted her hands on my shoulders, and asked if I was happy with the scene. Unable to remember the English language, I just nodded and smiled.

Over the years, I’ve had clients like Cathy ask my opinion about everything from breast implants to colon therapy to steroids. They must think of me as their priest or attorney, sworn to secrecy by God and the law.

I remember one client, a teenager, who had an acne attack because he was nervous about an audition. He begged me for help so I told him to stop by his girlfriend’s place on his way there so she could cover up the damage with some makeup

A few hours later, my client came in to tell me about the audition. As he went on and on, I tried to keep a straight face but I couldn’t help it. I burst out laughing. His girlfriend must’ve soured on the relationship, because it looked like she had applied the makeup with a paint roller.

That was bad, but the single most awkward situation I’ve ever experienced as an agent was the day I took a meeting with an actor we’ll call Susan. My assistant was running an errand, so I walked out to greet the young woman in our reception area. I noticed she was sitting in the corner chair, facing the wall. Her right shoulder seemed to be jerking up and down for no reason. Concerned, I stepped closer and realized her hand was under her skirt.

Susan looked up at me and turned 20 shades of red. She tried to explain that she was nervous and desperately needed to relax and this was the only way she knew how. I considered educating her about the wonders of yoga, but I figured the smart move was to have her leave.

Yes, being an agent is a cool way to make a living, but there are days when people just suck the cool right out of me.

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