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Secret Agent Man

Alice in Hollywood

Alice in Hollywood
Once upon a time, there was a pretty little girl named Alice. She was two years older than 10, and her hair was the color of gold. Alice lived in a town so tiny that most visitors stumbled across it quite by accident. But while it was true her home was small, her dreams were larger than most. You see, Alice wanted to be an actor, and she wanted this more than words can say.

As luck would have it, Alice had been born to parents who were wise and had amassed just enough wealth to allow them to take young Alice to the one place she might find her dream. So on the first Monday of the first month, the three of them set out for the magical land of Hollywood.

Alice and her parents arrived during the season of the pilot and settled in a forest known as Oaktree, where they found many children just like Alice, all searching for the same dream. It was here that Alice met an odd woman, quite round, with a smile that gave her chills. This woman was known as the Cheshire Manager, and she told Alice that several of the children who played in Oaktree were her "clients." Alice didn't know what the word meant, but when the woman said it, drool poured from her smiling mouth. The Cheshire Manager explained that she wanted Alice to be a client too. This frightened young Alice, and she wisely ran off to find her mother and father.

After spending some time in Oaktree, Alice discovered that the other children were all members of acting schools, studying something called "craft." Wishing to choose the right path for their daughter, Alice's parents spent a large part of their wealth to enroll her in one of these schools, so she too might have a chance to find her dream. But all poor Alice found were nightmares. The teacher, a loud man with fiery breath, would jabber on and on about how Alice should change her true self. He jabbered so much and was so confusing that Alice started calling him the Jabberwock.

On the day of her fifth class, Alice heard the other children speaking of the King of Agents, a mighty man of great power who was gracing them with his presence that day. The children believed he was searching for more clients. Alice glanced around the dark room and spotted him perched in the shadows, his hungry eyes darting back and forth as he watched the children perform.

After class was over, the King of Agents approached young Alice and started talking quite quickly about things like "signing" and "test deals" and "long-term career goals" without once drawing breath. This annoyed Alice. Up close, the man didn't seem so much mighty as mad. So Alice decided to ignore him and return to the forest of Oaktree.

That night, Alice sat under a full moon and cried. She realized her dream would not be found in the land of Hollywood, and she didn't know what to do. She confessed these feelings to her parents, and the three of them decided to leave in the morning, albeit with heavy hearts.

As the sun rose and her parents prepared for the journey home, Alice took one final walk around Oaktree. She crossed paths with a well-dressed stranger carrying a basket filled to the brim with muffins. He said he was an agent and that the basket was a gift for a child who had just booked a pilot.

Alice was surprised. This agent didn't seem mad. Nor did he drool. And when she told him of her dilemma, he asked Alice what she wanted. No one had ever done that before in Hollywood. She dubbed him Her Agent (Alice already thought of herself in the third person) and decided right then and there that she would be his client.

Six years later, Alice left the crappy Disney show that made her a fortune and landed the lead in a big movie about vampires. Stardom quickly followed, so she fired Her Agent and signed with CAA. End of story.

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