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Secret Agent Man

Inside an Experiment Gone Horribly Wrong

Inside an Experiment Gone Horribly Wrong
Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

Agents have hobbies. Mine’s teleportation. For the last few years, I’ve been working on a device that will allow me to transport matter from Point A to Point B, just like they do on “Star Trek.” And I’m pleased to announce that after many failed attempts, I have finally succeeded!

The reason I did this is simple. Every agent knows that actors are always late for auditions. So, shattering the limits of scientific knowledge in my spare time was a smart move, because I’ve created the perfect solution for this problem. Now I can just zap clients right to the casting director’s office. How cool is that?

Most of the science is overly complicated, so I’ll keep it simple. There are two metal pods. One is a pitcher and the other is a catcher. All you have to do is place an object in the first and, after pulling a few levers on the control board, it is transported to the second. Earlier today, I did a test run with my cellphone and the experiment was a resounding success. Now, it’s time to teleport a human being.

At first, I was going to use my assistant, but when I explained the process, she ran screaming for the hills. So guess what? Yours truly is going through. What follows is the journal of my experience.

The Experiment: Something unexpected happened. After using a timer to set the controls, I climbed into the first pod and watched calmly as the metal door slid shut. That’s when I realized I wasn’t alone. There was an actor cowering in the corner. And he was trying to hand me his picture and résumé. As the timer counted down to zero, I realized this overzealous guy had snuck into my lab looking for representation. Before I could respond, there was a blinding light and I was teleported to the second pod. But there was no sign of the actor. I assumed his molecules had been scattered through space, so with nothing left to be done, I celebrated my success.

Day 1: Earlier tonight, I had a date with the only cute entertainment attorney in town and something unusual happened. When she asked how old I was, I answered with an age range that suggested I played younger. WTF? That’s actor talk!

Day 2: I’m not myself. I keep thinking the world revolves around me. Instead of listening when others are speaking, I find myself waiting for my turn to talk. And worst of all, I feel a deep sense of desperation that I cannot shake.

Day 3: Confused by the changes in my personality, I look for answers in the records of my experiment. The computer explains that both AGENT and ACTOR were teleported successfully. That’s odd. So I ask what happened to ACTOR? And the computer’s response chills me to the bone. It says ACTOR was merged with AGENT to create a new biological entity called ACTOR SAM. My screams were heard long into the night.

A week later, I was fired for being late repeatedly. Serves me right for playing God. Now I live with a toxic mix of artistic narcissism and professional apathy. How will I spend the rest of my life? Well, I’m thinking about running for office.

Happy Halloween!

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