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Secret Agent Man

SAM’s 2016 Resolutions and How They Can Help You

SAM’s 2016 Resolutions and How They Can Help You
Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

The holiday break is a time for me to unwind and charge my batteries. The only way I can do that is by getting as far away from L.A. as possible. That’s why I’m writing this column from the most remote island on the face of this planet. It’s called Rapa Nui, but you probably know it as Easter Island.

Getting here isn’t easy. You have to fly all the way down to Santiago, Chile, and then hop on a second flight that carries you 2,000 miles out to the middle of the Pacific Ocean. But hey, it’s worth the effort because Easter Island is a small but magical place that doesn’t attract many tourists. And as I’m sure you know, the island is covered by giant heads called moai that are made of rock and are supposed to be mystical in nature.

Right now, it’s almost midnight and I’m sitting at the foot of several moai. The moon is full. I can hear the ocean. Everything is right in the world.

(This would be the perfect time to light up some mind-altering weed, but despite what you’ve heard, there’s no such thing on this island. Seriously. It doesn’t exist. So don’t bother coming. Just stay where you are.)

Anyway, I’ve asked these giant heads to endow me with their wisdom, to provide me with guidance, and they have not disappointed me. Their words are drifting through my mind and now I’m going to share them with you. So I guess, in a weird sort of way, this is my list of resolutions for 2016.

To begin, I will sign up for that anger management class my therapist recommended. It will prevent me from going ballistic every time a client blows an opportunity by not being prepared or forgetting to book out.

I will also learn to be more caring and understanding when an actor I’ve never met approaches me in public and begs for representation. That would certainly be a better response than physical violence and mental abuse.

Also on the list of things I should probably change: the way I think about managers. They’re not slugs. They’re people. And a few have actually been a little bit helpful this year. So when I get home, I’m going to put a stop payment on that check I gave to those renegade biologists who claimed they could create a germ that would force managers to act in the interest of their clients and not stick me with the bill every damn time we have lunch.

Thank you, almighty moai. You have been kind. Your words have been heard.

So there you go, gang. An old year ends. A new one begins. And it looks like it’s time for this cat to start his long journey home.

All the good people who work at Secret Agent Man headquarters would like to wish you a productive and rewarding 2016.

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