The holidays are still two months away, but I’m the type of cat who likes to plan ahead, so I just booked my winter vacation. Am I going to Hawaii with the rest of the industry? No. Been there, done that. Am I going to visit my family in Chicago? Nope. Those people are crazy. This year, I’ve decided to challenge myself on a physical level by taking an “adventure vacation.” That’s right, bitches: This dude is going cold-water surfing in the frigid Gulf of Alaska!
After telling my lawyer all about this trip, he said it would behoove me to make a professional will in addition to my personal one. After looking up the meaning of the word “behoove,” I decided he was right. You see, my personal matters are in order, but after working in this business for oh, so many years, it’s time to ensure the knowledge I’ve accumulated ends up in the right hands. So thanks, counselor. I’ve done as you instructed. And I’m also taking your advice about publishing it in a public space.
What follows is the last will and testament of a Hollywood talent agent. And I can assure you that despite the crazy antics of all the actors I’ve met during my career, I am still of sound mind. Sort of.
To all my clients, past and present, who are enjoying professional success, I leave you my sense of gratitude. Never take what you have for granted. Acting is magic and getting paid to do it is magic times 10. So please take pleasure in your accomplishments and never allow passing disappointments to diminish them.
To the casting directors, I leave you my patience. No one knows better than me how trying actors can be but I assure you, they mean well. And your blessing is everything to them. So please forgive actors when they stumble and fall. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. (Sorry the size of this gift is so small. Quite frankly, I don’t have much patience left.)
To all the managers out there, I leave you my work ethic. Maybe this will help fill your days in ways that don’t involve peppering agents with pointless questions and unrealistic demands. Seriously. A work ethic is a wonderful thing. Don’t be afraid to use it.
To the parasites who make a living by exploiting actors, I leave you some shame. Please keep it close to your empty heart when you’re thinking about charging actors for a seminar they don’t need or when you’re taking their money for providing a service that serves no purpose.
And finally, to all the actors who read this column, I leave you my sense of hope. This is the toughest business in the world and the odds are stacked against you, but hey, I’ve seen lightning strike in ways no one could imagine. Trust me. Careers can burst to life when you least expect it. And I firmly believe that each and every one of you is one break away from achieving your goals.
That’s it. I’m off to Alaska in about 10 weeks. This will be fun! And in the unlikely event I don’t return, I now have all my personal AND professional matters in order.
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