How to Stop Measuring Your Self-Worth With Your Professional Successes

The following Notes From the Field essay was written by Joshua Bitton, who can currently be seen on CBS All Access’ “One Dollar.”

A few years ago, I was back home in New York City visiting family. One of my best friends, Jon, was in town, too; he also lives in Los Angeles, but he had been shooting a series in NYC and was working on a bunch of films, so we rarely got to see each other. We met at Madison Square Park and started a long, slow walk down to the East Village.

Jon is one of those friends who really talks. It’s not all business—it’s life, which is something that I find is ultimately important for actors to engage in: life. We (or at least I) have such a tendency to live between “whens” and “thens.” (“When I [blank], then I’ll [blank].”) Conversations between actors are often dominated by questions like, “What did you just read for?” Or, as my brother once put it, while leaving a party an actor friend threw out, “If I hear one more person talk about what they almost did and what they should’ve done, I’m gonna kill myself.”

Just prior to meeting with Jon in the park, I had a life-changing trip. Four friends and I flew to Africa and climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. While at the top, as the sun rose for the first time that morning (because you summit beginning at midnight and reach the top at sunrise), with the sky turning to what felt and looked like fire, I fell to my knees and started to weep. I screamed to the world that I give it all up: love, life, career—everything. I give it up. I give it over. I just didn’t want to try and control it anymore.

READ: How to Defeat Self-Doubt

When I came down the mountain, I had this realization. There I was, an actor with dozens of guest star credits, as well as work on “The Pacific” and “The Night Of,” yet in my mind, it had all been a failure. I had never been a series regular, never been on Broadway, never had a big movie career. I placed my personal happiness in the hands of some idea of what success was. I was thoroughly undermining my joy and thoroughly hamstringing my love of the craft. I placed myself in the role of “less than,” and I’m pretty sure it followed me everywhere.

When I shared my experience with Jon, he looked at me and simply said, “Yeah, man. The job is never the thing to make you happy.” The realization deepened with our talk. It occurred to me that other than a few special moments, I had lived with this idea that I was only valuable if I was working. Though I loved to act, I wasn’t enjoying my life. So I made a choice, and it made an unbelievable difference in the way I approached just about everything in my acting life: auditions, news of friends’ successes, word about getting or not getting a job—all of it.

I mean, I’m writing this in a bar in Fort Collins, Colorado, as I drive home after wrapping “One Dollar.” I decided to take a week-long drive with my dog and just see the country. I get it—I had a big job, so I can afford to do that. However, I’m unemployed, and prior to that moment, I would’ve raced home to be available for whatever. This trip was an opportunity I chose to take. One I feel I had to take, but still one I made the choice to take.

Funny enough, it was only a few months after that conversation that I landed my first series. It absolutely could be coincidence, but I’ll leave you with this: I had tested for a different role on the show. I was teaching a workshop over in Sydney when I got word that I didn’t get it. My response shocked me. I simply said, “OK, cool.” I was bummed; I was sad. But I knew my life was OK. A couple weeks later, I got word that Craig Zobel had written another role with me in mind…. I made a tape, and there it was.

So make sure you enjoy your life, actors—regardless of the jobs you do or don’t get. You’re only where you are right now.