An Open Letter to the Agents of the World

Article Image
Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

I’ve been an agent for over 10 years, and during that time, I’ve met quite a few of you. We’ve worked at the same offices. I’ve attended workshops with you. And we’ve run into each other at countless industry events. Based on that level of history, there’s a question I’d like to ask all the agents I’ve ever met.

What is wrong with you?

Let me preface this by making something crystal clear: I love my job. Being an agent is fun! Every day is different. I get to meet creative people. And now and then, I’m able to make a difference in someone’s life. But hey, I’m the first to admit that being an agent is also hard work. We’re glorified salesmen who sell a product that likes to talk back. And as you all know, that ain’t easy.

READ: “How to Find an Acting Agent on Backstage”

Now, here’s the thing. You cannot be an agent if you do not enjoy being an agent. The job is too hard and the money isn’t always worth it. So if you’re burnt out and you don’t dig the work anymore, maybe it’s time to find a new career.

Do you see where I’m going with this? No? Fine, I’ll be blunt.

Most of the agents I’ve met are whiny little bitches who embrace misery the same way a drunk embraces a cheap bottle of whiskey.

Just the other day, I attended a workshop with two agents. As we were waiting for the scenes to begin, one of them started complaining about how this particular company always crams in too many actors and the evenings take forever. Well, that may be true, but this loser had attended the workshop before, which meant he knew what he was getting into. So why was he there? I mean, he took the money, right? So in my humble opinion, maybe he should shut up and do the job he promised to do!

Another time, I was on a panel with a group of you and we were taking questions from the audience. An actor asked if agents like to attend theater. Before I could respond, the woman on my right groaned. Then she went on and on about how much she hates going to see plays. Once again, in my humble opinion, if you don’t like watching actors act, maybe it’s time to get your real estate license.

READ: “What to Expect After L.A.’s 99-Seat Theatre Plan”

And I’ve been there when agents have given out information that was completely wrong. I remember one guy saying foreign actors with O-1 visas cannot work under a union contract. THAT’S NOT TRUE! Yes, certain companies will not hire them, but I represent several actors with O-1 visas and they have more credits than I have hair on my head.

Worst of all, I’m constantly hearing you guys complain about your clients. It’s like you hate them because you can’t stand the fact that you have to rely on them to make money. Well, here’s a news flash. Those people are human beings who have trusted you with their careers. In return, you get 10 percent from them. That’s the deal. That’s what you signed up for. So get over it.

The sad truth is 98 percent of the agents in this business give the other 2 percent a bad name.

I hope you all choke on your hypocrisy.


Secret Agent Man

Want to build your résumé and land an agent? Check out our Los Angeles audition listings!

Author Headshot
Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man is a Los Angeles–based talent agent and our resident tell-all columnist. Writing anonymously, he dishes out the candid and honest industry insight all actors need to hear.
See full bio and articles here!

More From Secret Agent Man


More From Actors + Performers

Now Trending