Question: Hollywood is about who you know, right? Every time I go to a networking event or screening, or basically anyplace you can meet important players, all I wind up with is a date... How can I possibly make decent contacts while I'm not working on set? I'm not in L.A. to find a boyfriend. All I want to do is act, and it seems difficult when an important person is asking me out.... I don't want to say no and break that bridge with them, but I don't want to mislead them. I have struggled with this for many years.
Let's discuss this from two perspectives: cultural and personal. We live in a culture in which many men feel they have the right to come on to whomever they consider attractive. You, as an attractive woman, are being seen as a sexual object first, an actor second. In many situations, the man feels obliged to make a pass whether or not he is genuinely interested — it is part of his definition of himself as a man. And men often feel a sense of entitlement. Movies, advertising, and television only perpetuate this objectification of women. If this were not the case, we would not have the problem of ageism and the perception that women's sexual appeal lessens as they age. Unfortunately, this is the reality you face, with the added complication that many people feel sex is an appropriate means of advancing professionally.
You say this problem happens every time. If there are absolutely no exceptions, then you're in a very difficult situation and something has to change. Though many men do behave as you describe, I know there are at least a few who do not. Such men are not predators, though they may not know how to be friends with a woman to whom they're attracted. Because you're not aware of interacting with such men, however, I wonder if there is something you are doing to contribute to the problem. I have a few personal questions to ask about how you interact in these situations.
Are you being straightforward in your presentation of yourself as an actor who wants to find work? Or are you presenting yourself primarily as an attractive woman? Are you operating in a scripted, male-female way of interacting in social situations? Giving a business card can be a professional act, or it can have a covert message of seduction. You're dealing with professionals who understand they are a means to an end and that your interest in them is not personal but professional. Are you giving them the sense that you are personally interested in them? I'm sure you've been in a nonprofessional social situation where a man has come on to you and, though you may have liked him, you did not want to date him. So how did you handle that situation differently than you do a professional social situation? I'm not saying you created this problem — you do have a valid complaint. All I'm asking is that you make sure you're not inadvertently contributing to it.
As a dedicated actor, don't forget that acting is not limited to the stage or screen. In any social gathering, we each have a persona we present. Are you completely aware of how you present yourself, regardless of your looks? You have to act the part of a woman who wants to act, is confident in her abilities as an actor, and is looking for an audition or a chance to show these abilities. To perform this part effectively, there cannot be any covert message of sexual interest or promises, or else you'll continually have this dilemma, as many men are ready to pounce on this message. Your behavior should not be any different than if you were giving your business card to a woman. If there is a difference, then you should ask yourself why you're behaving differently with each gender. Are you letting the other person's gender dictate how you should act, rather than taking charge and being your best professional self? You might consider, too, that someone wanting to have coffee with you could be looking to get to know you better simply because he finds you interesting. Interest does not always have to be sexual, nor does it have to be professionally related.
If, upon reflection, you realize that you haven't been asked on a date every single time, then it is important to look at these exceptions. What made them different for you? How did you and the other person behave differently than you anticipated? And how can you reproduce these situations by changing your usual behavior? Most important, have you talked with any friends about this dilemma? You might get a different perspective from them. I know of some single women who wear a wedding band to deflect inappropriate advances. Others use good-natured humor to make sure they're not being misread. I'm sure you can deal with this if you see it as an acting job that will put you in control of the situation. And remember, networking is about building relationships with people that could lead to future professional opportunities; it is never a guarantee of getting a role.
I would be interested in hearing feedback from readers on my answers, as well as from those who have encountered this problem and dealt with it successfully.