Question: In a previous article about not taking criticism too personally, 12-step programs are mentioned. The article leads me to believe that there are such programs specifically geared toward "esteeming oneself." I've only ever heard of the drinking, shopping, stealing, overeating, etc. types of programs. Is it possible to follow up with information regarding one of the 12-step programs that you wrote about?
Thank you for reading and thinking about what I wrote. This is a topic that is very important to me. In my last article, I talked about low self-esteem and introduced the concept of "other-esteem," which I developed in my book Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife. I was questioning why so many people have negative or low self-esteem and can't seem to develop positive self-esteem no matter what they do. I realized that as long as people build their self-esteem through what others think of them, they're fighting a losing battle. I wrote in the book, "Self-esteem builds upon the daily acts that we perform to esteem ourselves -- not what we do daily so that others will esteem us. It doesn't matter how much we love ourselves if the foundation of our self-esteem is what others think about us."
Try Al-Anon
Al-Anon meetings would probably be appropriate for you. Though Al-Anon's 12-step programs are for people affected by someone else's alcoholism, they also deal with issues of self- and other-esteem. Call your local Al-Anon office and get a list of the meetings in your area, then go to a meeting and see if this group is a good fit for you. It's not just hearing others talk about their problems that can be helpful; it's also seeing how others have developed means for coping with their problems. Additional support can come from listening to others outside the meetings, as well as through one-to-one talks with a chosen sponsor.
Most people don't recognize how the behavior of others -- spouses, parents, other family members -- has affected the development of their own behavior. By attending meetings and reading the literature, it's possible to understand how your current attitudes and behaviors are rooted in those of a dysfunctional family. Attending Al-Anon can help you see where your reliance on other-esteem comes from, how it developed, and what you can do about it.
Or Try the Actors Fund
To better answer your question, I met with the supervisory clinical staff at the Actors Fund in New York. It was an eye-opening experience, as I was unaware of the wide array of services the fund offers to current and former professionals -- actors and others -- in the entertainment industry. The fund has support groups and workshops that are specific and sensitive to a host of issues faced by actors, including low self-esteem and other-esteem, but also addiction, living with AIDS, transitioning out of the industry, geriatric concerns, housing, finances, emotional problems, and health insurance. It also has a program dealing with women's health issues and an extensive network of psychotherapists who are familiar with the entertainment industry and work at reduced fees.
The Actors Fund has offices in Chicago, Los Angeles, and New York. Call (800) 221-7303 for information. Explain why you're calling and what you're looking for. The intake worker will be glad to meet with you and/or refer you to the appropriate group or a psychotherapist in the fund's network. To see the range of services offered, visit www.actorsfund.org.
Ultimately, you will have difficulty esteeming yourself until you recognize and minimize your other-esteeming. It doesn't help that you're in a field in which you receive critical feedback all the time. It's important to remember that this feedback is about your skills, not about who you are as a person. You need to learn how to value yourself by recognizing and validating all aspects of yourself. I know this is not an easy process, but it begins when you see the distinction between self- and other-esteem.
Let me know the results of your phone calls and what steps you have taken.
Harold Kooden received his Ph.D. from the University of Chicago's Committee on Human Development and Clinical Psychology in 1967. He has worked
in community mental health and in private practice and is a fellow of the American Psychological Association. He is the co-author of 'Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife.'
Harold Kooden can be reached at askatherapist@backstage.com.