(Editor’s Note: Secret Agent Man is on vacation somewhere in the South Pacific. His assistant is filling in this week.)
Hi, everyone! I am so thrilled to be writing this column while my boss is OOT. It’s still crazy shocking that he revealed his secret identity to me. Gosh, sometimes I feel like I’m working for Bruce Wayne!
Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I’ve been SAM’s assistant for just over a year now, and I’ve learned so much. I think I’d like to be an agent one day but I’m still not sure. It’s such a tough job. For a while there, I considered maybe becoming a manager but when I told SAM, he threw a stapler at my head.
Anyway, when I asked him what I should write about, he told me to tell his readers what they need to know about someone like me, a lowly assistant who barely makes enough to feed herself. Fair enough. I can do that. So here goes.
The first thing you need to know is that everything goes through me. I am the bridge that carries you over the moat to Castle SAM. (Yes, I’m a big “Game of Thrones” fan!) We are constantly in each other’s business and that means I can bring actors to his attention. Or not.
That’s why it always surprises me that you guys do all this crazy stuff to get his attention but you never think to focus on me. Like for example, SAM rarely goes to plays unless a client is in one, so why not invite me to your show instead of him? I love going out after work and if I like your performance, I can tell SAM all about you. The last time I did that, the actor ended up getting signed. How cool is that? Yay for Secret Assistant Girl!
Also, if you’re looking for representation, calling our office and asking to speak with SAM is such a bad idea. First of all, you’re going to get me instead of him and there’s no way I’m putting you through. The last time I did that, he locked me in a closet for an hour. And second, he only meets actors through referrals. So if you’re smart, you should get someone we know and like to call on your behalf.
Now here are some tips on how to be a good client:
1. Be nice to the assistant! No matter how busy it gets, I’m always nice to everyone, so it hurts my feelings when someone is mean to me. And when a client yells or blames me for stuff I didn’t do, I always tell SAM and he gets really upset. I’ve seen him drop actors because of stuff like that.
2. Return my calls quickly! I hate how clients always make me wait. My desk gets crazy busy and it kills me when things take forever to get done.
3. Read my emails carefully! There’s no need to call with silly questions when everything you need to know about your audition is in the email I sent you.
That was fun. I hope I get to write another column soon. And who knows? Maybe next time, I’ll be Secret Agent Woman!
Like this advice? Check out more from Secret Agent Man!