Brian Sheridan and Ilene Kristen are as dissimilar as actors can be. Most of Sheridan's acting has been in Milton Katselas' classes at the Beverly Hills Playhouse in L.A. Kristen has been in the business since age 14, appeared in the original Broadway company of Grease, and is an old hand at daytime TV, having learned on the job. Sheridan takes his script with him when he walks the dog; Kristen thinks that's "bizarre." Still, the two are living together and engaged.
Despite the potential pitfalls of being romantically attached to another actor — career competition, the temptation to overcritique each other's work, the risks of being in the same financially unstable business — the couples I talked to say the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
For one thing, an actor naturally empathizes with a partner's up-and-down career trajectory. Actor Nancy Carlin says she understands the emotional fluctuation that her husband, Howard Swain, endures, because she's often there herself. Though she acknowledges there are more acting jobs out there for men, Carlin's the one more actively pursuing work: She teaches, directs, does commercials, and has even produced, whereas "Howard would just as soon stay home." They have two daughters, 12 and 16. "We've been together long enough to see each other's cycles of popularity," Carlin says.
"The unevenness of careers can be difficult, which is why so many marriages break up," notes Dakin Matthews, a TV, film, and stage actor who also directs and writes. His wife of almost 38 years, Anne McNaughton, directs, and early in their marriage they both acted in John Houseman's Acting Company and elsewhere. They have four adult children.
Now, McNaughton directs every theatre piece Matthews writes, sometimes with him in it. "We have almost exactly identical takes" on the material, he says, so they rarely disagree artistically. But does he critique her directing? "Not if I want to eat that night," he jokes. More seriously, he adds, "A director always challenges an actor's choices. And when she directs one of my scripts and misses something I intended, I'll tell her."
Learning how and when to critique your partner, if at all, is paramount. John Howard Swain (no relation to Howard Swain) and Marsha Mercant, married for 15 years, do critique each other, but carefully. "I have the utmost respect for John's opinion and I seek it," says Mercant, who has even been a student in the film-acting classes her husband used to teach. "You can take criticism from a teacher, but it can be harder with a spouse. I think we've learned over the years to be more adept at that than we were at first. We constantly work at remembering we're individuals with feelings, and I'd never say anything to hurt or disrespect him in any way."
The two met in Joan Darling's acting class in L.A., but when Swain asked Mercant out, she said no: Based on past bad experiences, she'd made it a rule not to date actors. To her relief, however, she soon discovered that Swain was a person first, an actor second.
"Sure, you get defensive sometimes," concedes actor Velina Brown, who says she expects feedback from her husband, actor-director-playwright Michael Sullivan. They've directed each other at times, too. Brown says he gives her feedback on acting tics that others might overlook, and in a language she understands. But one of the things they've had to learn is that when criticizing, timing is everything. "You can be in someone's face or space at exactly the wrong moment," she says. So first you "say something positive," then later you can launch into "the whole whoop-de-do."
Give and Take
Sheridan once used a difficult critique session with Kristen to creative advantage. He had written a play, and when he began reading it with her, he says, she stopped him "every two seconds," saying, "This doesn't work." It was a hideous interaction, Kristen agrees, but Sheridan took notes and later wrote a one-act, "Bulletproof," about two actors in a play, basing the dialogue on their painful interchange. "When I say things, at first he doesn't want to hear it," Kristen says. "It's tough when you're living with someone. You can never step away from it. It can get ugly. When you get involved with an actor, you need to know it's not an easy situation."
But some couples do learn to step away. Sullivan and Brown, members of the San Francisco Mime Troupe, usually confine their artistic discussion to rehearsals and talk about other things at home, like politics or their son, Zachary, who turns 4 on Valentine's Day. While they love acting together on stage and often do — they've played each other's parents and other odd configurations of fictional relationships — their other acting work remains autonomous: Sullivan tends to land commercials, while Brown does more films, voiceovers, and industrials. They also have different agents.
Others, like Mercant and John Howard Swain, keep their careers separate: She is pursuing stage and voiceover work; he is focusing on film and TV. They agree it's important to not "constantly speak the language of work," Mercant says. While Carlin and Howard Swain often act together (currently they're in The Pillowman at Berkeley Repertory Theatre), at home, Carlin says, they prefer to talk about other things. And they too have separate agents.
By contrast, talking business at home is almost unavoidable for Geoff Elliott and Julia Rodriguez Elliott: They're the co-artistic directors of the Los Angeles theatre company A Noise Within. These days Rodriguez Elliott primarily directs and runs the theatre while Elliott acts (she'll direct him as Don Quixote in Man of La Mancha in March). "I can't imagine doing what I do solo," says Rodriguez Elliott. "We've become such a strong partnership."
There's been a learning curve, though. They've always been in sync in terms of aesthetics, but there were times, Rodriguez Elliott says, when they stepped on each other's toes — finishing each other's sentences and giving actors contradictory direction. Learning to work as a team, she says, "has to do with not bringing the personal relationship in [to the workplace] and being as respectful of the other as you would with any other artist you're collaborating with." Elliott agrees: "Taking a breath and biting your tongue every once in a while, letting it go her way as opposed to the way you want it to go" is his advice.
A Noise Within is an ensemble company specializing in the classics, and its actors go into the season knowing which roles they'll play. Rodriguez Elliott jokes that if she ever had to audition her husband against other actors, "that would be time for the divorce court!" Then again, mates who act and/or direct can also learn from each other — as long as they can avoid being polarized by their differences. "Julia is such a calming influence," Elliott says. "It's incredibly helpful to me. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in the emotion of the process."
Similarly, John Howard Swain says Mercant's work habits are a source of inspiration for him. A singer, she practices her music daily and has been making her living in theatre since age 15. As for what she has learned from her husband, Mercant says, "John has taught me so much about life, about being a good person" — life lessons that feed her acting work, she adds.
Brown and Sullivan, who have known each other since their days in junior high school band, have struggled with their personality differences: He's more nervy; she's more studious. At a certain point, Brown says, she told herself not to get caught up in who's right. Good idea: Brown tends to work from the inside out, Sullivan from the outside in. "We used to disagree about our approaches," says Brown. "But after a while we realized we've both given performances that the other admires. It doesn't matter how we get there."
Sheridan says that from his fiancĂŠe he has learned about how to listen when acting. "She's actively listening, not waiting for her cue," he says. "And she's really good at throwing away lines. I tend to get significant with each line. I've learned from her how to throw away stuff, like it's a conversation." He adds, "She's such a great actor, you have to be ready for anything with her. She hits the ball back with a spin. I've really learned to prepare."
His past romances have been with actors, too, and he surmises that no one but another actor could understand this "huge, huge passion that's a little insane to other people."
Have you or anyone you know created a solo autobiographical show about your travel experiences? If so I'd like to interview you for the "Craft" column in Back Stage. Write to Jean Schiffman ASAP at jeanschiff@earthlink.net.