What to Consider Before Having an On-Set Romance

When chemistry sparks with another actor, creative dynamics may influence your attraction; for instance, a scene-stealing performance might inspire a talent crush. And if the person is playing opposite you, you may misinterpret your character’s feelings as your own. “Clarify if you’re in love with them in that role, or you’re genuinely responding to their personality apart from acting,” says relationship and intimacy coach Dr. Alexandra Stockwell.

Clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., adds that in order to differentiate between a “crush, a superficial attraction, or a deep sense of connection that might lead to a long-term relationship, it’s important to give yourself space.” Even when working long hours, “you can carve out time to meditate, journal, and self-reflect on the nature of your attraction” and outline what you find appealing in the other person. 

According to Manly, you’ll notice a pattern unfolding. Are you recalling things like “kindness, creativity, honesty, and dedication,” or are you more focused on physical attributes? If it’s the latter, your “attraction may be more crush-like.” But if you see “the full individual—their strengths, weaknesses, and tender areas—you may be headed toward a long-term romance,” Manly says. 

If you’re led by feelings, don’t “shame or blame yourself,” says Manly. “Instead, take the opportunity to reflect on what you want from yourself, the other person, and the relationship moving forward.” Then, “you can mutually create guidelines that allow you and your partner to engage at work, and outside of work, in positive ways.” 

You might, for instance, ask yourself, “Are my feelings getting in the way of work? What do I need in order to focus on my craft?”

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If you do find yourself attracted to a costar and wondering if the relationship may be worth pursuing away from the set, Stockwell suggests deepening your connection “by having more meaningful conversations, without bringing in romance. This will be a good foundation if you get together in the future.” 

However, on-set intimacy coordinator Jessica Steinrock (“Little Fires Everywhere”) cautions against immediately following your impulses. “Wait until the project has concluded before beginning new romantic relationships with coworkers,” she says. If it’s an ongoing relationship, she advises “check[ing] with the HR team regarding any protocols or guidelines that are in place” regarding on-set relationships.

Depending on the person’s role in the production (i.e., a director or producer versus a grip or production assistant), there’s no predicting the possible career fallout. Steinrock doesn’t recommend “beginning a romantic relationship with someone who you have authority over, and vice versa. The power dynamics are complicated, and it is best to wait until the project has concluded before beginning a new relationship.” 

Manly agrees. “Although the heart often wants to take the lead, it’s often smart to let the rational mind add a healthy dose of wisdom,” she says.

The honeymoon phase tends to be thrilling—but as a relationship is developing, it’s also fragile. Not surprisingly, some of the most lasting on-set romances progressed between actors who valued their privacy, such as Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig. Even though the pair had costarred in a play in 1994, before they were household names, it wasn’t until years later, while filming the 2011 thriller “Dream House,” that they grew close and fell in love. “I didn’t notice offscreen that anything was going on. They did a good job of keeping it secret!” their “Dream House” costar Rachel Fox told Us Weekly at the time. Not until the film wrapped did Weisz and Craig decide to go public, according to Fox. 

The main consideration, says Stockwell, should be supporting each other in your work and not doing “anything that will complicate either of your relationships with other cast members and crew.”

And if there’s an intimacy coordinator on your set, Steinrock says, you’re free to discuss your romantic situation with them. “One of the reasons intimacy coordinators can be so helpful is that all intimate moments are choreographed using the boundaries of the actors to tell the story,” she says. “These boundaries can help separate personal interests from the needs of the scene.” 

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Even the most passionate connections run the risk of ending while you and your partner are still working together. Ask yourself, “Is this someone I can be friends with?” If the answer is yes, you’ll be more grounded if the romance fizzles out.

To handle a breakup, Manly advises fostering “a mindset of acceptance—true acceptance of yourself, the other person, and the outcome of the relationship.” This will help you steer clear of “blame, resentment, and anger that often create friction post-romance.” 

Amicable endings are possible; just look at former “Gossip Girl” costars Penn Badgley and Blake Lively. The two famously dated from 2007 to 2010—right in the middle of the teen drama’s run—and ended on such healthy terms that they continued working together, with their performances and friendship still seemingly intact. Joshua Safran, the show’s executive producer, told Vanity Fair of the breakup, “They kept it from everybody, which is a testament to how good they are as actors. Because they did not want their personal drama to relate to the show.”

As you’re taking stock of your feelings for a costar and deciding if the risks are worth it, ask yourself, “Is this the right timing?” Depending on what you decide, Stockwell says, “you can use this time to foster friendship, and even acknowledge that you’re interested once the project completes. Or you may decide the timing is right, right now.” Ultimately, whichever path you take, the most important thing is honoring your feelings and treating the other person with respect—all while protecting your heart and your career.