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3 Wishes Your Agent Probably Has

Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

Once upon a time, I was on location in Morocco, visiting a client who was working on a big studio film. During a break in production, I found myself taking a stroll through the desert outside of Marrakesh, and that’s where I found a golden lamp half-buried in the shifting sand. Curious, I picked up the antique and found myself compelled to give it a good rubbing. And that’s when the genie appeared.

He was 7 feet tall, made of blue mist, and his smile burned with gratitude. The genie thanked me for setting him free and, in return, he offered me three wishes. Stunned, I gave it some thought, and then I quickly rattled off my ultimate desires:

1) More money than Warren Buffet, Elon Musk, and Jeff Bezos combined.
2) My own country where I can rule unchallenged. Croatia?
3) Emma Stone

The genie nodded and made it so. That’s why this is my last column. Emma and I are moving to Eastern Europe, where we’re going to spend the rest of our lives exploring ways to spend billions of dollars.

Life is good.

All right, none of that happened. It’s total bullshit.

I tend to have these fantasies in the slow period after pilot season. But what if genies were real? What would yours truly, a Hollywood agent, really wish for?

I have a lot of free time on my hands this time of year, so I’ve spent quite a few hours thinking about this and here’s what I came up with:

1) I want the power of invisibility. No, not so I can spy on people. That’s not my bag. But if I were invisible, I could follow clients into audition rooms and experience what really happens. You see, agents work hard to generate those auditions, but we don’t get to actually be there during the moment of truth. This is one of the most frustrating parts of my job.

2) I want a talent detector embedded in my brain. Agents are pretty good at spotting the seeds of talent, but none of us are perfect. I’ve passed on quite a few performers who went on to have great careers. I’ve also signed actors who I genuinely believed had potential but sadly, they never rose to the occasion. That’s why you should never drown your sorrows in alcohol when an agent passes on you. It’s just an opinion. And it could be wrong.

3) As for my last wish, I want the power to snap my fingers and instantly hypnotize casting directors into doing my bidding. Actors have no idea how hard agents work to create opportunities for their clients. We’re constantly begging, like urchins on the streets of London during the 19th century. It takes years to build up trust with casting directors, the kind of trust we can exploit to get someone like you in front of someone like them. (Naturally, I would also need the email version of this magical finger snap.)

So thank you, imaginary genie. This has been fun. Maybe one day, we’ll actually meet. But till then, enjoy life in your golden lamp while I keep dreaming about you (and Emma) from my cozy little office in the City of Angels.

Inspired? Check out our Los Angeles audition listings!

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