People send musical messages all right, but today's telegrams are a far cry from their paper-printed predecessors.
According to Wikipedia, singing telegrams were first created in 1933 when Western Union operator Lucille Lipps was asked to sing a birthday greeting over the phone to singing star Rudy Vallee.
As most telegrams were delivered in person, the popular image of a singin'-and-tap-dancin' telegram delivery quickly took hold. Though Western Union discontinued the service in 1974, independent operators—often in costume—have kept the practice alive.
Today, a web search reveals that singing telegrams are available nearly everywhere in the United States. Some are national agencies with a network of affiliated entertainers; some are individual performers who only perform locally.
Customers have a wide choice of singing telegrams: Celebrity impersonators, belly dancers, cowboys, grim reapers, magicians, witches. Clients can get birthday or anniversary wishes sung by a gorilla, a Viking, a chicken, or even a trailer-trash fairy, who arrives complete with a hearty dose of snark and cigarettes to perform and deliver the message.
Other types are not so celebratory.
"We get a lot of 'I'm sorry' grams," said Bacon. "The boyfriend has screwed up royally; the woman is way beyond him. She's seeing somebody else, and probably has a restraining order on him, and he's begging us to sing a song that gets them back together.
"It only works about 25% of the time," she added.
Robin Sands-Fife, who owns All Star Showgrams in San Francisco with her husband Duncan Fife, says sometimes the requests are more unusual.
"Somebody wanted an exorcist once," said Sands-Fife. Apparently workers at a local company felt that a particular office was cursed. After one man refused to move into the office, his co-workers hired her as a joke. Sands-Fife appeared onsite in a gypsy costume with a ventriloquist dummy, whose head was spun all the way around several times, chasing away evil spirits.
The crowd loved it. "It was really wacky and funny," she said.
For audition-weary performers, singing telegrams offer an opportunity to perform on a regular basis. Some even feel it improves their skills.
"It is fabulous training," said Duncan Fife. "I really felt, until I got comfortable with the telegrams, that I needed more work in acting. All of a sudden, the world was a stage and I felt more relaxed as a performer."
Like any performance, telegrams require the actor to create a unique, compelling character.
Adrienne Gusoff's 'Bubby Grams' originally specialized in portraying a Jewish grandmother. The character is "imported from Brooklyn" and "does everything a real Jewish grandmother does; except sleep with your grandfather," according to its website.
Although not a trained actor, Gusoff based 'Bubby' on her family's real-life Jewish matriarch. "My grandmother sort of lives inside of me," said Gusoff. "She used to say stuff that was unbelievable and hilarious!"
For some telegram varieties, good improv skills are critical.
Gusoff also offers what she calls 'Scam-O-Grams': Performers play jokes on unsuspecting victims by acting out roles such as nerdy crushes, annoying clients, or old high school stalkers.
Unfortunately, the reception for a performer is not always warm.
Fife recalled one instance in which he dressed up as a sheep for a woman and joked about how he would pick her up in his 'Lamb-orghini.' The woman was so distraught that she refused to watch his performance.
"Her knuckles were literally white," said Fife. He eventually won her over and managed to get a hug out of her before he left. "Little moments like that are great," he said.
Sands-Fife said performers must always be prepared for the worst-case scenario.
"I tell [my performers] that if the people in the audience aren't appreciating you, then you get bigger and better," said Sands-Fife. "You go against that and you sing louder, speak louder, and get funnier. That way you command their attention."
While the singing telegram business is definitely not a dull profession, this song and dance can be a difficult act to carry. (Literally.)
For Gusoff, commuting via the New York subway in her 'Bubby' getup—including a fat suit, layers of gaudy jewelry, a wig, and stockings with the veins painted on them—is no easy feat.
"It takes 20 minutes to get into costume and then schlepping over there to take [the costume] up and down the subway to a job is much more than just throwing a suit in the back."
For performers in areas where driving is required, the show is constantly on the road. "We always tell people it's 90 percent driving, 10 percent performance," said the Los Angeles-based Bacon.
Despite the stress, these gigs offer a definite upside.
"Singing telegrams are steady work," said Bacon. "It pays the bills for [actors] while they pursue their dream."
Entertainers can make anywhere from $60 to $600 per gig. Plus, they can set their own schedules to work between auditions and other jobs.
"The more things you can do, the more you can get paid," said California actor Brent Beebe, who does telegrams and other party entertainment with All Star Showgrams.
But it's not without costs.
Expenses add up quickly, including costumes, props, travel (gas and tolls), advertising and insurance. Who pays the costs depends on whether the performer works for themselves or freelances for a company. Often it's a mix: For example, the company may pay for a specially fitted costume, but leave the travel costs to the performer.
The prices charged for singing telegrams vary greatly by region as well, which affects how much a performer can make. "People in New York don't get off the couch for less than $100," said Gusoff. But in states like Oklahoma, a entertainer might drive "half-way across the state for $75."
The declining economy has taken its toll on the business.
"We were doing 60 to 80 telegrams per week on average in the '90s. Once the recession hit it began to go down to 15 to 20 a week," explained Sands-Fife. "We're really hanging on by a thread."
Despite the challenges, owners and performers alike are continuing to move forward.
"One of the reasons we stayed in business through this recession is because people call us and say, 'You are always good. You always come through with incredible performers,'" said Sands-Fife. Clients even tell her that, despite the cost, the entertainers are a great way to make a party.
For some performers the telegram gig is more than just a way to make a quick buck.
"[Doing] theatre, people come and see if it but there's a distance," said Beebe. "When you do the singing telegrams you get the immediate reaction, and if you let it, it can really affect and inspire you."
Briana Rodriguez
Briana is the Editor-in-Chief at Backstage. She oversees editorial operations and covers all things film and television. She's interested in stories about the creative process as experienced by women, people of color, and other marginalized communities. You can find her on Twitter @brirodriguez and on Instagram @thebrianarodriguez
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