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‘Bunheads’ Recap: Episode 7, ‘What’s Your Damage, Heather?’

‘Bunheads’ Recap: Episode 7, ‘What’s Your Damage, Heather?’
Photo Source: ABC Family
This week in Paradise, love—or the lack thereof—is in the air. Plus, Michelle is finally teaching. Fanny is still gone. And the dance studio is falling apart.

In which Michelle becomes Miss Michelle, Dance Teacher…
Michelle is doing the unthinkable (to her, anyway): teaching dance. Fanny, you see, has extended her vacation. Two thoughts: 1. Well, that took long enough. 2. Why are we trying to think up more excuses to keep the fabulous Kelly Bishop out of more episodes? Lame. Then Michelle gets exasperated and expresses her general hatred of children, and Boo’s mom turns up with fries. A good morning in Paradise, all around. Enter the bunheads, who can’t get it together. Sasha has gone AWOL and Baby Megan Hilty’s anniversary plans with her too-nice, likely-gay boyfriend are off because he needs to help her mom around the house. Now there’s a functional relationship. That’s when Michelle learns that studio’s dressing room is leaking. It’s leaking water…in the middle of a brilliantly sunny day. She can’t reach Fanny – despite re-enacting their entire would-be conversation – so she reaches out to the next person on her woefully small Crisis in Paradise Emergency Contact List: Truly. Bright girl that she is, she suggests a plumber.

In which the plumber’s name is not Joe…
The plumber arrives and starts punching holes in the wall with a wrench because that’s a great way to fix a leak. His name is Davis and he only has one eye, because everything on bunheads must be played for maximum, obsessive, Zooey Deschanel-level quirk. When the buns turn up and find their dressing room sopping wet and full of holes, Michelle lets them change at her house. Which, of course, is an instant invitation to snoop in all of Michelle’s stuff. Sasha has returned to wreak havoc on the universe, so nothing is off limits – sequined thongs, poorly mended dolls from childhood, photos of Michelle as a blonde. (Baby Hilty does not approve of the latter. Clearly she missed “Anything Goes.”) Meanwhile, Truly explains to Davis that he isn’t great at being a plumber, but people around town mostly hire him to keep an eye on things. GET IT? JUST ONE EYE.

In which a cute boy resurfaces…
Michelle continues to teach, but the racket from Davis’s plumbing is ruining everything. He and Truly argue, but it’s a hawt kind of arguing. A hawt kind of one-eyed arguing, as it turns out. That’s when Charlie, the dull bunhead’s high-cheek-boned, sharp-eyed, flawlessly messy-haired, exceptionally cranky brother turns up. He’s grounded and has been saddled with carting the dull bunhead all over town in his car. (Come to think of it, this would make us exceptionally cranky, too.) Back in the dressing room, the leaking has stopped, but fearful of mold, Michelle and the girls get to work with hair dryers. An afterparty at Oyster Bar is deemed… inevitable.

In which the Buns start breaking the rules…

At the Oyster Bar everyone is still waiting for Godot to return - No? Just us remembering how hot he was? Okay then.—and stuffing themselves with fried food in the meantime. Which is totes against all of Madame Fanny’s rules, you know. As is any sport in which you can hurt yourself, and high heels. All bad for dancing. Boo, of course, isn’t doing anything bad for dancing. She’s even eating a salad. But she is doing something bad for her real life and acting like a carpet, just letting people walk all over her, per usual. Tonight she doesn’t even think to protest her boss’s requests that she do work on her night off. Michelle starts off in protective teacher mode, telling Boo she shouldn’t be working on her night off. But then Baby Megan Hilty’s boyfriend turns up and Michelle finds out they’ve been dating for all of life and she quickly shifts into bad teacher mode, unloading stories of her wild-child teenage dating days and encouraging the girls, Baby Megan Hilty in particular, to go act just like her. Which makes it a tiny bit ironic when Michelle returns home and is shocked to find Truly pressing the one-eyed plumber up against the wall and ravishing him.

In which everyone is having boy problems…

Michelle wakes in the dressing room, where she has slept cuddling the bucket catching the water dripping from another new leak in the ceiling, and goes home to find the girls all in her house just chilling. As you do on a Saturday afternoon as a teenager. She kicks them out and cuddles up in bed—this time with a jar of PB because she’s SO QUIRKY—and suddenly we cut to Monday at the Oyster Bar. Boo is working; the dull one is complaining about Friday’s fried food induced nausea; and Baby Megan Hilty appears out of nowhere, trailed by boyfriend who wants to know why she wasn’t waiting for him outside of the school like always. He’s even filed a missing person’s report. Because he hasn’t seen her in three hours. Sounds like a fun guy, right?! We cut away from a feuding teenage couple, shouting it out in the ladies room at the Oyster Bar, to find Truly gardening. She’s wracked with guilt over hooking up with the plumber because it feels like cheating on Hubbell, which is so many kinds of crazy we don’t have enough words to even go there. Homegirl needs a hobby. Gardening clearly isn’t cutting it.

In which Sasha really breaks the rules and we trample on Boo’s feelings (again)…

Sasha, badass girl with Mommy/Daddy issues that she is, has stolen a t-shirt from Michelle and is wearing it to dance class. She plays dumb when Michelle catches her but gives the shirt back. Not having gotten in quite enough trouble for stealing—because obviously all her fragile bunheaded psyche wants is for some adult to show they care enough to reprimand her—Sasha then decides she’s just going arrive at class late and only half dressed. Michelle loses it and does the one thing she never wanted to do—she turns into a figure of authority, wagging finger and all. Class is uneventful thereafter, but Baby Megan’s mom bursts in at the end to blame Michelle for breaking Baby Megan and Josh up. (Who will do the household chores now?!) Michelle is rattled and needs some encouragement, and a juice box, from Boo’s lovely mom, in order to recover. Sadly, Boo’s mom is so busy helping Michelle, she can’t whisk Boo out of class fast enough to save her from Charlie. He tells Boo he’s hot for Baby Megan and asks her to put in a good word for him now that she’s single. Boo, crushed, does the dumbest thing ever and immediately passes that information on. Because Boo just lets herself be crushed again and again. And because this show loves nothing more than to trample the fat girl, Baby Megan has a totally, unrealistically inappropriate response—she’s excited Charlie’s hot for her. She sort of mentions that she wouldn’t date him, for Boo’s sake, but that’s really just secondary. Mostly, she’s gushing about how great it is to be loved by Charlie. So, well done, Baby Megan. You’re the worst friend ever. You can thank Amy Sherman-Palladino for that.

Laura Motta and Aileen McKenna blog as Lucky and The Mick on their Broadway-themed blog of insanity, The Craptacular.

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