Secret Agent Man is a happy cat these days. The mornings are brighter. The commissions are sweeter. And even L.A. earthquakes feel like a gift from the gods.
Yes, life is good.
Now here’s the big surprise. The reason for my state of mind has nothing to do with the industry. It’s more profound than that. You see, I’m in a wonderful relationship that has more promise than the new “Entourage” movie. This woman is just amazing. I love her more than 22 test deals and a double-digit bonus.
Would you like to know why I’m so excited about her? The answer is simple. She’s not an actor.
Relationships are a weird thing for guys like me. I believe variety is the spice of life, but until now, I’ve dated mostly actors. Why? Because when you’re an agent, you’re surrounded by actors; that’s who you meet. And most of them are attractive, creative women who are full of life and promise. So why not get involved? After all, actors and agents have a lot in common and that leads to respect and understanding, right?
Wrong.
Those relationships were like roller coasters without brakes. They started with an exciting climb followed by wild, exciting turns, but they all ended with an emotional crash that left me shattered against the pavement.
Looking back from Mount Wisdom, I can tell you there are many reasons agents shouldn’t date actors. The main one is that a relationship is doomed to fail when one person (me) represents the solution to the other person’s problem (no representation) but doesn’t do anything about it.
I once spent six months with a talented thespian named Jill who was struggling to find an agent. I gave her plenty of advice, but that was never enough. She always wanted more. And God forbid I should drop by her place after work with stories about all the clients I booked that day. My happiness would put her in an ugly mood and we’d end up fighting over something minor, never discussing the real issue hiding between us.
Then one night, right in the middle of a sex act, Jill asked me to sign her. I explained it was a bad idea because working together would ruin everything. She responded by leaving the act unfinished. Two weeks later, we broke up.
You’re probably thinking it would make more sense for an agent to date a working actor. Well, I tried that, too, and it didn’t work.
Last year, I went out with a woman who had a bigger agent than me and a successful career in television, so she definitely didn’t need anything from yours truly. The only problem was that after a few months, the two of us got bored with each other. All we did was talk about the industry. It was awful.
(Note to Brad and Angelina: Please write in and let me know your secret!)
So this year, I decided to stop the madness. No more dating actors. But who does that leave? I considered going out with another agent, but that felt like masturbation. Then, during a set visit, I met the woman I’m currently seeing. She’s the best. Did I mention my new love is a writer? It’s a perfect match: We’re in the same industry, but we work on different sides of the fence. The only problem is she’s constantly rewriting my Secret Agent Man columns. Is that weird?
Gee, I hope that feeling in my gut is just indigestion….
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