And in the end, Ivy got her Tony. Tom and Julia made up. Jimmy went to jail for reasons that we don't fully understand. Eileen got back together with Nick. "Bombshell" won every award – along with Sutton Foster. Derek admitted to the world that he's a horrible person. Ana got her Tony moment to shine, breaking many rules of Equity and basic logic. Scott disappeared. And Karen? She got an incarcerated boyfriend, a Tony dress the color of Pepto, and a pocket full of broken dreams on awards night. And Kyle is still dead. And everyone lived happily ever after, just like on real Broadway...
Hey! Jeremy Jordan Sounds Real Good
OK, so there's no way this "Hit List" Tonys number could have just happened out of nowhere. There's the small matter of rehearsal, and the fact that they'd never get this past the ceremony's staff. But hey, at least when "Smash" asked us to suspend all disbelief to the point that we considered huffing glue to aid in the process of abandoning reality, they let Jeremy Jordan loose to riff his face off. Living in a world where Jeremy Jordan sounds like that is A-OK by us. Always. Maybe he can come back to Broadway real soon – "Ever After," anyone? – and make that world an actual reality. Not just a Smashality.
At Least There Was No Ellis
For all of the hoopla surrounding the fact that Smash had reengaged actor Jamie Cepero to appear this season, we actually got off pretty light, with only one appearance in a dreadful dream sequence. We're counting our blessings, because things could have been much worse.
And sadly, we will never see Ivy and Derek's split-level house in Westchester, where they move to raise their baby. And we'll never experience Jimmy's difficult but character-building introduction to prison life. And we'll never understand why no one went to Kyle's funeral, even though it seems like they kind of had time to do that on the actual show. Such a shame. Or something. RIP, "Smash."
Time is Not Real
Only in the warped universe of "Smash" can we traverse the vast distance between the Outer Critics Circle Awards to the Tony Awards in less than 90 minutes. "Hit List," it seems, never had a proper opening night. Karen never had time to become the sensation we were assured she'd be. (Where was her glowing Times review? Her scads of adoring fans? Her Cosmo cover? Her upgrade out of the Pinterest-inspired hell that was her downtown apartment?) "Smash's" finale might have been two hours long, but another 30 minutes or so might have made things seem a little more realistic. Or... not...
No. No. Just, no – and not just because all these people have no actual reason to be singing together in some sort of vocal circle jerk. But because really, what on earth did Freddie Mercury ever do to you, Joshua Safran? Besides write some of the best rock songs this world has ever been graced with and perform like a god among men, obviously. But, seriously, what did his memory do to deserve this watered-down, meaningless, absolutely horrific interpretation of one of his most enduring songs? And can David Bowie please punch you in the face at least once to make up for this travesty? I mean. Even Vanilla Ice is mad about this.
What Happened to Best Director Tony
After a full season of struggle between Tom and Derek, of meticulous (?) setup that cast them as the talented, traditionally minded upstart and the avant-garde genius, the Tony went to... we have no idea. They forgot to show us. Or ran out of time. Or assumed that no one cared. Or all three. And maybe it's true that we didn't actually care, but it would have been cool to see Derek break down in tears on the podium and admit that he's a cad, a fraud, and a father to be all at once. Just to keep us awake.
Everyone is Lovingly Cradling Ivy Lynn's Theoretical Baby Bump
We guess this should have been expected. "Smash" has never resisted the overplayed and trite when it comes to... well... anything. But really? First Ivy's cradling her baby bump when Mama Rose isn't looking and later Derek and Ivy are cradling it together as the episode comes to a close, because they're keeping her baby! This is their new start! Everything is erased, clean slate! Was this necessary? Because honestly, there is nothing sweet or romantic about this at all. In fact, it mostly just makes us want to vomit.
...Is not even a real name. Also, she's the absolute worst, and she seems to have had some sort of blackmail material on Jerry, too, and now we'll never know what that was and we'll probably lose a lot of sleep and why, god, why did her plotline even happen? And then she won a Tony! Even though everyone knew she boinked and blackmailed her way into that role. And the writers totally glossed over that whole moment, too, perhaps because everyone knew her plotline was the worst or perhaps they just needed more time to squeeze in another guest star.
Cavalcade of Guest Stars
Marin Mazzie. Lilias White. Katherine Marshall. Hell, even Will Chase came back for four seconds of pleading, wide-eyed silence in the "Smash" finale. It's like they took every guest star that they ever wanted on the show and crammed them into one episode – possibly wearing their own clothes. We'd wager that there was at least one person in the viewing audience, though, who walked away from that episode thinking, "That actress who played Marin Mazzie is really lovely!"
For two entire seasons, Derek Wills has worn what appears to be a toupee made of road kill on his head. But nowhere was its weird badness more evident than at the Tonys. We're guessing this style is supposed to represent Derek's total lack of caring about people and their feelings. Or maybe his dreadful hip-ness. But really we're just like... A) How do they fit all of this in the frame at once? And B) What do they use to make it stand on end like that? Maple Syrup?
'Bombshell' Wins It All
After half a season of telling us that "Bombshell" got mixed reviews and that its ticket sales were lagging, obviously the most logical thing happened: It won every Tony. With "Hit List" suddenly fading into the background like it never actually mattered that much, and like we were idiots for thinking it did, "Bombshell" went from a middling clunker to the next "Book of Mormon."
The Tonys Solve Everything
Everyone comes away smiling on Tony night, and gets the ending they deserve. Karen loses her Tony to Ivy but gets Jimmy. Derek atones and rubs Ivy's belly like she's a golden Buddha or has indigestion. Eileen wins her Best Musical Tony. Sutton Foster adds a fake Tony to the two real ones she already has. And in accordance with the actual operation of the New York penitentiary system, Jimmy is allowed a night out of the pen to attend the ceremony. No one is disappointed. Everything ties up neatly. And true to its spectacularly solid form, not a single one of Ivy's peroxide-fatigued hairs goes out of place.
Laura Motta and Aileen McKenna blog as Lucky and The Mick on their Broadway-themed blog of insanity, The Craptacular.