This Agent’s Worst Halloween Nightmare Is When ‘IT’ Comes to Hollywood

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Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

A few days ago, I saw the red balloon for the first time. The damn thing didn’t even bother to check in with my assistant! It just appeared in my office unannounced.

I braced myself, because I knew what was next. The vision came quickly, and I found myself observing casting director after casting director as they ignored the self-tapes they had requested. All that effort. All that hope. Gone. Why would they ask my clients to put themselves on tape if they weren’t going to watch them?

And then, as quickly as it came, the vision left and I was back in my office, barely able to breathe. You see, those red balloons are triggers that cause agents to live their worst nightmares. And the balloons have a source. You’re going to think I’m crazy, but there’s a clown out there that haunts agents. Some reps believe it’s a dead actor who never found representation. Others claim it’s rejection itself in a physical form. Me? I don’t care. I just want it gone.

Yesterday, I came across a second balloon. The floating atrocity appeared in the back of an acting class as I addressed the room of hopeful students. The sight startled me, and I found myself stumbling through answers to simple questions like “How many actors do you represent?” I cursed that damn clown and prepared myself for the second vision.

READ: How ‘IT’ Star Bill Skarsgård Tapped Into Pure Evil for Pennywise

It, too, happened quickly. Every actor in the studio turned into a flesh-eating zombie, just like the ones on “The Walking Dead.” But this horde moved quickly. As they tore into me, I heard their voices demanding representation. It was every agent’s worst nightmare—and then it was over. The vision ended, and the actors were just actors again, annoying but harmless. I finished the event and raced home to spend some quality time with Jack Daniels.

I knew the third balloon would mark the end of my life. (Or at least that’s how the legend goes.) Three balloons equal one dead agent, so it was time to fight back.

Fortunately, my assistant is the real-life version of the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. She can hack anything! So, I promised her a raise if she could figure out the clown’s true identity. Two days later, she discovered that my white-faced friend is the physical manifestation of Irving Katz, the studio head who made the first deal with the first agent. This happened back in the 1920s, and the agent destroyed Katz during the negotiation; the poor studio head was so humiliated that he killed himself.

Now it all made sense. This was about revenge!

To appease his hauntings, I agreed to meet him at midnight under the Hollywood sign. (The night before, I sent him the time and place in the form of a dream, and he responded by making 100 balloons appear in my bedroom. It took forever to pop them.) At the stroke of midnight, the clown was suddenly in front of me, and I demanded we make a deal. He threw out an offer. I countered. Over and over. I hit him with righteous logic backed with solid quotes, and he folded. Again. And that’s what finally finished him. Irving Katz faded into a red mist that floated up past the Hollywood sign, never to be seen again.

I love this tale for two reasons: One, it really happened; and two, the hero is an agent.

Oh, and happy Halloween, everyone!

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Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man is a Los Angeles–based talent agent and our resident tell-all columnist. Writing anonymously, he dishes out the candid and honest industry insight all actors need to hear.
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