7 Ways to Combat Self-Pity

Self-pity is an emotional state involving excessive sorrow and helplessness about one’s self and situation. A person dealing with feelings of self-pity tends to focus on their perceived misfortunes. While it’s natural to feel down after a rejection or a setback, wallowing in self-pity can lead to a negative spiral that affects mental health and professional performance.

Self-pity often manifests in performers in the following ways:

• Negative self-talk: Constantly thinking or saying, “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll never make it,” or (like Mia), “I think it hurts a little bit too much”
• Withdrawal: Avoiding auditions, networking events, or other opportunities due to fear of rejection
• Procrastination: Delaying work on new projects or learning new skills because of a lack of motivation or fear of failure
• Comparison: Comparing oneself unfavorably to others who appear more successful, leading to feelings of inadequacy

Watch this self-pity example from “La La Land” to see how Mia experiences these feelings as a struggling performer:

• The audition-rejection cycle: Performers are particularly susceptible due to the pressures and challenges inherent in the profession. The constant cycle of auditions, rejections, and critiques can be emotionally taxing, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. 
• Subjectivity of success: Success in the industry is highly subjective. It can depend on factors beyond one’s control, such as industry trends and the personal biases of casting directors. This unpredictability can intensify feelings of helplessness and frustration.
• Financial instability: The instability and unpredictability of job opportunities can exacerbate financial stress and uncertainty about the future. This constant state of insecurity can lead performers to question their career choices and fuel feelings of self-pity.
• Public scrutiny: Having one’s failures and successes scrutinized by the public eye can intensify feelings of vulnerability and self-criticism. Many find themselves under constant pressure to maintain a certain image or level of success, which can be mentally exhausting.

Self-pity can have a profound impact on actors’ mental health, resulting in feelings of hopelessness and depression. “Evidence suggests that performing artists suffer from chronic challenges with anxiety and depression, as well as perfectionism,” said Aaron Williamon, a professor at the Royal College of Music who studies the impact of the industry on performers. “They also face acute challenges related to performance anxiety and self-doubt, leading to burnout and long-term health consequences.”

Constant self-criticism and a lack of self-worth erodes confidence and motivation, making it increasingly difficult to take risks and seize opportunities. Over time, this can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-efficacy, further hindering the ability to perform and achieve their goals. The emotional toll of self-pity not only affects one’s professional life, but it can also strain personal relationships and overall well-being.

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Overcoming self-pity requires a proactive approach and a shift in mindset. Here are some strategies that can help.

• Recognize and acknowledge your feelings. The first step is identifying when it occurs and acknowledging your feelings without judgment. Understand that it’s OK to feel disappointed or sad, but also try to recognize when these feelings are turning into self-pity.
• Shift your focus. Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, focus on what you can control and improve. Set small, achievable goals that help build confidence and momentum, and then celebrate your achievements—no matter how minor they may seem.
• Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a friend. According to research psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring your pain or self-flagellating.
• Seek feedback and learn. Constructive feedback is invaluable for growth. Or, as the great Bette Davis said, “Without wonder and insight, acting is just a trade. With it, it becomes creation.” Instead of viewing criticism as a personal attack, strive to see it as “wonder and insight.” Ask for feedback from trusted mentors or colleagues and use it to enhance your skills.
• Stay connected. Isolation can exacerbate feelings of self-pity. To counter that, connect with a supportive community of fellow performers, friends, and family, and share experiences and challenges for comfort and perspective.
• Practice mindfulness. Even after landing the gig, performing itself can be stressful. “When you really get into character, your blood pressure goes up, your heart rate increases, and your mind and body can’t differentiate between reality and acting,” says University of Minnesota family medicine and community health professor Dr. Michelle Sherman. “Your body goes through this emotional experience in intense ways, and that’s hard to just turn off.” Practicing mindfulness can help you turn off and stay grounded and present. Self-care techniques such as deep breathing, guided meditations, and yoga can reduce stress and increase emotional resilience.
• See a professional. If feelings of self-pity are overwhelming and persistent, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional. Therapists and counselors can provide strategies and tools to manage negative emotions effectively.

The following resources provide support and guidance for performing artists experiencing self-pity and other types of mental struggles.

• BetterHelp offers online therapy that can be accessed from anywhere, making it a convenient option for those with busy or irregular schedules. 
• BetterUp provides coaching and resources to help individuals develop resilience and positive mental health practices. 
• Entertainment Community Fund has a comprehensive list of free social service groups for people involved in the arts. 
• Headspace is a helpful platform for those wanting to explore mindfulness and meditation practices.
• MPTF, the Motion Picture & Television Fund, matches performers in need with counseling services and community resources.
• NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, provides a wide range of mental health resources, including support groups, educational materials, and a helpline.
• Psych Central’s plethora of articles and tools can help with understanding and managing emotions. 

Performing is a tough career path, and not everyone is going to make it. That is why it’s vital to take care of yourself as you pursue your passion. Beating self-pity is not about suppressing your emotions or pretending everything is perfect; it’s about recognizing when the mindset is taking hold, understanding its impact, and using effective strategies to create a paradigm shift.