The following Career Dispatch essay was written by Kathleen Monteleone, who stars in, wrote, and produced the feature film “American Reject,” which is now available on demand.
I just released a film I wrote called “American Reject,” based on my true experience as a singing hopeful (loser) on a reality show. It will be advertised as a story birthed from the pain of my rejection; but actually, it was birthed from a time I like to call the “nobody cares” time. Actors, unfortunately, know it all too well.
The “nobody cares” time is also known as the days, weeks, months, and even years when you find yourself doing everything you can to get a break, and absolutely nothing happens. You check Playbill to see who got the role you were up for, order mozzarella sticks because you “deserve it,” and then try to find something to post on Instagram to make yourself feel noticed and special. There’s no job that makes you feel like you should be an actor, no audition that makes you feel known, and every insecurity owns your thoughts.
Just me?
“What makes us great is what we do in the dark when no one is looking—when there’s nothing to post and nobody cares. That’s the place where you’ll change your game.”
Back in 2013, I had finally made my Broadway debut after years of training and hitting the pavement, and then the show only lasted one month. So I was back to mozzarella sticks and scrolling. At the same time, I had a really good friend who was absolutely killing it. She was booking show after show, and people loved her: premiere tickets, red-carpet moments, a lot to post on Instagram. It triggered every insecurity I had and offered up a few more.
The “nobody cares” cycle reared its ugly head again, but this time around, I just couldn’t do it any longer. It had been 10 years already. Then, something clicked. I had started my career on a vote-based reality show. It was about losing or winning, and being liked or disliked. The fact that my friend was doing so well while I had a lack of work triggered the loser in me. I wasn’t crafting a career or challenging myself creatively. I had a warped perspective, and I was responsible for changing it.
Right then, I confronted my inner loser and decided to write about my time on the reality show. I wasn’t a writer; that’s something out-of-work, depressed actors do when they are frustrated and sad. But guilty as charged: I was frustrated and sad! So I sat down and started writing characters, scenes, and things I thought were funny.
How to Get Eyes on Your First Script as an Actor-WriterI edited and wrote and rewrote and wrote again. I didn’t share this journey publicly. At first, I wanted to make something to show “them” who I was and what I could do; but in the end, I was showing me what I could do. Writing this movie has reworked my DNA creatively and has ultimately reshaped my future. I’m so grateful that I got to be a loser.
In showbiz, everyone is good (pretty, unique, and talented); but what makes us great is what we do in the dark when no one is looking—when there’s nothing to post about and nobody cares. That’s the place where you’ll change your game. You may be in it now. Take a good look at it, sit in it, and let it be your guide. What is it telling you to do? I’m not saying I’m “great.” I’m definitely on a journey and hope to be better each day. But, whoa, I’ve changed the system for myself. Now, I eat mozzarella sticks for pleasure.
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