‘Boss Level’ Star Selina Lo on Learning to Make Friends With Your Inner Critic

The following Career Dispatches essay was written by Selina Lo, who stars in the new film “Boss Level,” now streaming on Hulu. 

I’m a natural born worrier. I worry about auditions, I worry about my future, I worry if my pet fish Richard Norton is truly happy or if he secretly hates me.  

Believe it or not, I’ve gotten a lot better at being objective and worrying less. When I started to worry less about what has happened and what could happen, I was able to focus on what is happening—and my life changed.  

We all have a voice in our head that puts us down, and we all have insecurities; anyone who says they don’t is lying. I’ve been my own harshest critic since I was a little girl. I recently found an old video of me singing “Wooden Heart” (my dad’s favorite Elvis song) while my sister plays the piano. After I finished, I put my head in my hands and, clearly devastated, I announced to the whole family: “I’m so sorry, that was terrible!”

I was 4.

We start out life full of wonder and curiosity, but pretty soon we get shaped by how the world reacts to us. We hear comments from parents, school kids, teachers, and whoever else, who say things like: “Be a certain way,” “This is wrong,” “Don’t do that—what will people think?” And hearing all these voices while you’re just trying to figure out the world as a young child, it’s easy to see how self-doubt can manifest. 

Remember that the little voice in your head isn’t really you. It’s like there are two versions of you, the one living your life and the one criticizing it. The more you start to recognize that, the better you’ll get at ignoring your inner criticisms and dismissing your self-doubt. The better you get, the more you can be truly present in that audition or meeting or performance and let your authentic self shine through. I have always felt free when I perform, because it allows me to be truly in the moment. It’s more than a performance, it’s therapy. 

I used to measure my own worth against the expectations placed on me. I spent a lot of time being disappointed that I hadn’t yet reached some self-imposed milestone in my career, or with my finances, or with how I look. I was miserable, until I thought, What’s the point? What is the point in chasing a dream or something I love if I can’t enjoy the journey, too? Not just the work but the time between the jobs, too? Once I realized that, it allowed me to be truly open for good things to come into my life.

Everybody’s journey is different and I’ve come to accept that wherever I am in mine is more than fine. It’s where I’m supposed to be. I’ve had times where I have had less than $100 in the bank and had no idea what I was going to do. If you ever find yourself in your own dire situation, remember that it’s OK, you’ll figure it out. You have to trust yourself and remember that it’s all just part of your journey. You’re not messing up. You didn’t just tank that audition; you did your best and learned from the experience. Everything is fluid, and it all helps to make you into the person you were always meant to become.

We all have to learn who we are before we can be OK with that person. I learned to be kinder to myself and to remember it’s ok to be exactly who I am. There’s an edgy side to me that is obsessed with martial arts and weapons (and isn’t afraid of getting into a fight or two) but then there’s the side of me that is a total dork. I am a klutz, and quite frequently say the wrong thing. I collect stuffed fruits and vegetables with faces on them, because I think they’re adorable, and they each have a name. Does that sound a little weird? Sure! But that’s OK, because I am where and who I am meant to be, quirks and all. I am unique, and so are you . Realizing all this not only helped my outlook on life, it freed me to grow and love myself. 

As easy as this all probably sounds, it’s hard to put into practice, and being in a profession where you’re constantly judged doesn’t make things any easier. Remember to go easy on yourself. We think so much about being kind to others, but rarely notice that we would never talk to our friends the way we talk to ourselves. These thoughts and feelings are normal, remember that you are exactly who you are supposed to be, and no matter what your current situation, you are always on the right path for yourself. So enjoy the journey.