5 Funny Monologues for Kids

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Photo Source: “The Incredibles” Courtesy Pixar

Performing comedy is hard, because understanding comedic timing and the drama beneath a character’s jokes takes a lot of work—especially for kids. The first step to improving a child’s comedic game is finding good material. While online resources for simple comedic monologues abound, published plays, TV and film scripts, and even novels provide more layered, nuanced material. From Veruca Salt’s bragging to Charlie Brown’s lamentations, here are five great—and amusing—monologues for children.

1. “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: A Children’s Play” by Richard R. George, adapted from the novel by Roald Dahl: Veruca Salt’s interview

Many children know and love Dahl’s classic book about the children, parents, and miraculously mobile grandfather who visit a most unusual candymaker and his chocolate factory. While the book and subsequent film adaptations are often used for audition monologue fodder, the minor tweaks in the play provide a fresh take. This allows children to perform as a character they know and enjoy without resorting to an overused monologue. This particular speech comes courtesy of Veruca Salt, who demanded her wealthy father get her a Golden Ticket when she decided she just had to have one. It’s an excellent character piece for girls who have enough energy to nail Veruca’s over-the-top brattiness. From the engaging story to the unexpected shift in tone at the end, this monologue is a slam dunk to entertain even the most reserved audience. 

VERUCA
Where’s my Golden Ticket? I want my Golden Ticket! Oh yes… here it is! As soon as I told my father that I simply had to have one of those Golden Tickets, he went out into the town and started buying up all the Wonka candy bars he could lay his hands on. Thousands of them, he must have bought. Hundreds of thousands! Then he had them loaded onto trucks and sent directly to his own factory. He’s in the peanut business, you see, and he’s got about a hundred women working for him over at his joint, shelling peanuts for roasting and salting. That’s what they do all day long, those women… They just sit there shelling peanuts. So he says to them, “Okay, girls,” he says, “from now on, you can stop shelling peanuts and start shelling the wrappers off these crazy candy bars instead!” And they did. He had every worker in the place yanking the paper off those bars of chocolate, full speed ahead, from morning till night. But three days went by and we had no luck. Oh… it was terrible! I got more and more upset each day, and every time he came home I would scream at him, “Where’s my Golden Ticket? I want my Golden Ticket!” And I would lie for hours on the floor, kicking and yelling in the most disturbing way. Then suddenly, on the evening of the fourth day, one of his women workers yelled, “I’ve got it! A Golden Ticket!” And my father said, “Give it to me, quick!” And she did. And he rushed it home and gave it to me, and now… I’m all smiles… and we have a happy home… once again.

2. “The Incredibles” by Brad Bird: Syndrome gets monologuing

This speech is delightfully self-aware, poking fun at the very trope of the villain monologue. After being rejected by superhero Mr. Incredible as a child, Buddy Pine dedicates his life to gaining superpowers and ridding the world of Supers. Here, he explains how he rose to prominence and transformed into the Incredible family’s nemesis, Syndrome. Children can play up the villain’s megalomania and his realization that he’s monologuing to great hilarity. 

SYNDROME
See? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat. That’s the way it works. Turns out, there are a lot of people, whole countries, who want respect, and they will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it, I’ll get… You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it. It’s cool, huh? Zero-point energy. I save the best inventions for myself. Am I good enough now? Who’s super now? I’m Syndrome, your nemesis and… Oh, brilliant.

3.“The Fifth of July” by Lanford Wilson: Shirley’s dreams

This is a high-energy piece that works best for outgoing kids. It follows 13-year-old Shirley as she regales the audience with tales of her future successes when she’ll do “something astonishing.” What will she be famous for, exactly? She’s not sure. But she’s certainly enthralled by the possibilities. Her unflinching self-confidence is in itself funny to witness, but the writing takes it a step further by piling on the melodrama, even having Shirley pretend to be a woman who died of amazement after seeing her gifts. The excitement that Shirley has while looking toward the future is endearing and hilarious, making the monologue great for kids to impress with their willingness to make bold choices.

SHIRLEY
I’m going to be the greatest artist Missouri has ever produced. No—the entire Midwest. There have been very famous people—world-famous people—Tennessee Williams grew up in Missouri. He grew up not three blocks from where I live now! All his formative years. And Mark Twain. And Dreiser! And Vincent Price and Harry Truman! And Betty Grable! But me! Oh God! Me! Me! Me! Me! I am going to be so great! Unqualified! The greatest single artist the Midwest has ever known! A painter. Or a sculptor. Or a dancer! A writer! A conductor! A composer! An actress! One of the arts! People will die. Certain people will literally have cardiac arrests at the magnitude of my achievements. Doing something astonishing! Just astonishing. I will have you know that I intend to study for 10 years, and then burst forth on the world. And people will be abashed! Amazed! Astonished! At the magnitude. Oh God! Look! Is that she? Is that she? Is it? IT IS! IT IS SHE! IT IS SHE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She died of cardiac arrest and astonishment at the magnificence of my achievement in my chosen field. Only Shakespeare, Michelangelo, Beethoven, and Frank Lloyd Wright have raised to my heights before me!

4. “You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” by Clark Gesner, based on the comic strip by Charles M. Schulz: Lunchtime

Charlie Brown may be the ultimate underdog of children’s literature. In this monologue, he once again manages to self-sabotage his attempts to woo the “cute little redheaded girl,” even putting a lunch bag over his head when he realizes she may actually be looking at him. The arc of his speech takes the audience on a full journey as Charlie Brown goes from being generally worn down by the world to being hopeful that the little redheaded girl may look his way to realizing his best option is just to count down the 2,863 lunch periods left till he can be free of eating peanut butter sandwiches. The hilarity comes from his utter lack of self-awareness. He goes from quickly throwing a bag over his head to wondering why the girl won’t look at him, and he can’t seem to decide whether he really wants her to look at him at all. The comedy isn’t as high-energy as some of the other monologues on this list, making it perfect for a quieter child looking to show off their comedic skills.

CHARLIE BROWN
I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren’t so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there’s the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I’ve done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I’d better see what I’ve got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely… I guess they’re right. And when you’re really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There’s that cute little redheaded girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?… She’d probably laugh right in my face… It’s hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There’s an empty place next to her on the bench. There’s no reason why I couldn’t just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up… I’m standing up!... I’m sitting down. I’m a coward. I’m so much of a coward, she wouldn’t even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can’t remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn’t she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn’t look at me? Is she so great, and I’m so small, that she can’t spare one little moment?... SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE’S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his lunch bag over his head) Lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. If that little redheaded girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head, she must think I’m the biggest fool alive. But, if she isn’t looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and she’d never notice it. On the other hand…I can’t tell if she’s looking, until I take it off! Then again, if I never take it off, I’ll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other hand…it’s very hard to breathe in here. (he removes his sack) Whew! She’s not looking at me! I wonder why she never looks at me? Oh well, another lunch hour over with...only 2,863 to go.

5. “The Young Girl and the Monsoon” by James Ryan: Broccoli

In this piece, a young girl laments the hypothetical weight gain she’ll experience if she eats her father’s oily broccoli. She’s definitely overdramatic, but the unfortunate reality is that low self-esteem is an issue that many kids face and one which is captured so brilliantly by this confused, anxiety-ridden monologue. It’s a conflict kids can understand that is presented by a hilariously talkative 13-year-old girl, creating a comedic environment rooted in a real, albeit overblown, fear. 

CONSTANCE
I don’t want all this broccoli. It’s all covered with oil. I’m gonna gain 400 pounds… Half of it?! Then I’ll gain 200 pounds! Do you see how much that is?! I can’t stand Chinese food. You always bring me to these Chinese places… When I was at Grammy’s, I got these really bad headaches? I thought it was from a brain tumor. I thought I had a brain tumor because of the thing that comes out of the back of my head. See over here?… But I realized everyone had those things sticking out of the back of their head. Even you. They were haying the fields at Grammy’s. It was my sinuses. I hate that farm. It is so boring. Vermont is so boring. And you should see the clothes they wear. Oh, God, I can’t stand this broccoli.

Beyond this list, there are plenty more funny monologues for kids out there that will highlight your young performer’s comedic chops. As long as the piece is age-appropriate, and features an interesting conflict and changes of intention, your child will be ready to ace whatever audition is thrown their way.

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Denise Simon
Denise Simon is a New York-based acting coach and career consultant who has been involved in the entertainment industry for more than 30 years as an actor, teacher, director, casting director and personal talent manager.
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