Think you had a crappy audition? Well, Samantha Bee will raise you. In her early career days going out for commercials, she’d frequently be called in for actual crap auditions: “You’re a literal piece of poo and you’re sliding down someone’s colon because they just ate a box of Special K,” she remembers. So whoever said show biz is glamorous—well, they were absolutely right. That and more spit-take-inducing stories from the “Full Frontal” host below.
Samantha Bee Is Doing More and Caring Less—in the Best Way What performance should every actor see and why?
I think everyone should watch “The Leftovers,” because Carrie Coon’s performance—I can’t shake it. It has stayed with me every minute since I watched the show. And I only watched it [for the first time] during the pandemic. I didn’t watch it before. I couldn’t get through the first episode years ago when it came out; I was like, “Oh, no, I’m not here.” But then I was here for it during the pandemic. I was like, “Carrie Coon, I love you.” I just love the show so much. It means so much to me. I literally could cry thinking about her character on the show. As a person, I don’t really watch comedy. I like to do comedy, I never watch it, so that was the perfect show. It was just what I needed, and I might watch it again because I might need it again.
What is the wildest thing you ever did to get a role?
Whenever I would go in for something, I was always either the suburban mom or a dancing bottle of Pepto Bismol. It would either be, “You’re a mom and the kids want to make pizzas on their Ritz crackers,” and you’re like, “Guys, more Ritz pizzas?” I was always that mom. Or it was, “Check it out, this is gonna be so fun: You’re a literal piece of poo and you’re sliding down someone’s colon because they just ate a box of Special K. And you’re just having a ball, it’s like a waterslide.” I’m like, “So I’m the piece of shit sliding down someone’s colon?” And they’re like, “Well, yes.” Then I’m like, “Got it. Whee!” I’ve debased myself more times than I can count.
What is your worst audition horror story?
It was one of my first auditions, it was so tragic. I just knew so little about the business. My agent at the time didn’t tell me about the audition about 15 minutes before I was supposed to be there. She was like, “Where are you? Why aren’t you at the studio?” and I was like, “You never told me!” So, I took a shower and I showed up at the audition with wet hair. And then they called her after to talk about my hygiene because they thought that my hair was greasy, but it was actually just wet. And she was like, “We need to talk about your hygiene,” and I was like, “You are such a bitch! I hate you! My hair was wet!” The whole point was that I didn’t go to the audition with greasy hair. That was very humiliating. I don’t mind sharing it, but I will never get over it. That actually made my heart hurt, so I think that counts as the most crushing.
READ: How to Book a Commercial According to Anna Kendrick
How did you get your SAG-AFTRA card?
A Cheez-Its commercial. I had to wear a piece of cheese on my head and show up at a party as a cheese head. It was something where I had to eat a lot of cheese and crackers. It was worth it; it was great.
What advice would you give your younger self?
I spent too much time worrying about what other people thought of me. I think I expended so many hours worrying about what other people thought of me, and now as a 50-year-old, I realize that they weren’t thinking of me at all. They were wrapped up in their own stupid thoughts about who was thinking about them! I wasted a lot of time on that.
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