Comedy hands out exactly two verdicts, and actors named them both: You kill, or you die. That can make picking the right comedic monologue particularly difficult. Because humor is subjective, our best advice is that it’s a good idea to select one that sounds like you. Here are five comedic monologues for women that you should consider for your next audition.
1. “The Comeback” (television, 2026) by Michael Patrick King and Lisa Kudrow: Valerie Cherish
Valerie is the rare comedic role built entirely on double-layer acting. She's a working actor being followed by a reality crew, so every line is a performance stacked on top of a feeling she’s trying to bury. Her surface-level cheeriness makes this blowup monologue all the funnier, which you can play by really letting the frustration seep through.
She’s invited me to set four times today. And it’s a false invitation. Because I get up there, and I’m the only guest. All right? That’s not right, okay? Shayna? Don’t try to coax me into coming to set either anymore, okay? Stop with the invitations. All right? I’m not a child. You want me to come to set? Just tell me you want me to come to set. I’ll come. It’s probably not your fault. Probably teach you that in A.D. School, right? What do they say? What do they say? “Don’t tell actors to come to set. They don’t like being told what to do.” Is that what they say? “Invite them like it’s a party. Actors like parties.” Don’t do that anymore, all right? And while we’re here, might as well tell you. Please don’t ask for my autograph at the end of every day on the time-out sheet, okay? Don’t do that. Is that another thing they taught you? “Actors love signing their autographs, so ask for it that way.” Just don’t ask for my autograph anymore, okay? I know you’re not a fan. That’s okay. And I know that you are not a fan. I want you up on the set now! You know what, Ron? I was up on the set. Okay? I was up on the set earlier, locked in a hot, gas fume-smelling trunk with live snakes! And where were you? You weren’t there! Where were you? I know where you were! You were sitting in your chair in air conditioning!
2. “Margo's Got Money Troubles” (television, 2026) by Rufi Thorpe and Sarah Bird: Margo
Margo, a young single mother improvising her way through OnlyFans and reconnecting with her retired wrestler father, describes motherhood in a way that’s equal parts funny and devastating. Play with both elements in your delivery—extra points for giving your all with the closing “click” sounds.
I'm beginning to realize that nobody is totally straight with you, you know? They all just harp on the "joy" and the "miracle" and "wonderful" and… You know, which… And it is, it, it, it totally is. But, but, I mean, he just re, refuses, refuses to get a good latch. My nipples are so sore. And after he's done with them, they don't even look like nipples. They're like, more like, like, like squeezed toothpaste tubes. And my areola is all white and… and pinched, and… I mean, he's probably cutting off my blood supply, so… And he just spits them out with such vicious contempt. And he makes this awful clicking noise. It's like… [makes clicking noises]
3. “Oh, Mary!” (theater, 2024) by Cole Escola: Mary Todd Lincoln
Escola’s Broadway juggernaut hands you a First Lady who wants one thing—cabaret—and will steamroll the Civil War to get it. Mary’s tantrums are structured like arias, with escalating demands and hairpin tonal turns that reward an actor willing to go all the way. Leaning into the meta elements (after all, you’re an aspiring actor playing an aspiring actor) can help you really send the room with this one.
How dare you look down your nose at cabaret. While you were “dost thou-ing” and “thine art-ing” for a cold dinner and a hard cot, I was taking my tenth and eleventh curtain calls, being showered with roses and rubies! People traveled the world over for my short legs and long medleys. I had a hold over audiences the likes of which have not been seen since Christ disappeared from behind that stupid rock. My singing, thrilling; my personality, magnetic; my dancing, I made up for that with my singing and personality.
4. “Barry” (television, 2022) by Alec Berg and Bill Hader: Sally
If you’re an actor that tends to lean toward drama, try Sally’s monologue in which she unloads her insecurities over a piece she’s written for acting class. It’s great when a monologue mirrors an aspect of everyday life, and every actor can relate to Sally’s nuanced emotions.
I’m terrified, OK? Because my piece is real. It’s not a character. It’s me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital T. All caps, actually. I’m thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn’t even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am massively ashamed of—not literally, I don’t believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. I’m afraid that they’re gonna judge me, and I’m afraid that Sam’s gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It’s my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now? Could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his stomach condition, and it’s not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it’s like, What are we saying about women? I mean, this is just my story! But what if you get it wrong, Sally? I don’t know. You can’t get it wrong, Sally. But you can’t not tell it either, Sally, because it’s who you are. Which makes this thing that my agent sent me on today so fucking insulting. “Payback Ladies”? It’s just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally! It’s bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It’s quite possibly the worst thing I’ve ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what’s really driving me fucking crazy? I am so jealous that you’re reading for this. I have never had a director session for a feature—which is the same thing as a movie, P.S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and I think you’d agree that I am way better. I made you! And I’m actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don’t even know if they rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still, at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, OK? An artist, and this is not fucking art! But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I’m so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it’s gonna make me, like…like, a hundred times more insane, OK?
5. “Nope” (film, 2022) by Jordan Peele: Emerald
Jordan Peele wrote this monologue as a way for Keke Palmer, playing the character Emerald, to quickly establish herself as a tour de force and inject some energy into the room. Isn’t that exactly what you want from an audition? Here, Emerald gives a rapid-fire history lesson on her horse-wrangling family and their place in Hollywood lore.
Hello! How y’all doing? Sorry for the tardiness. My name is Emerald, [pointing] that’s OJ, and we are your animal wranglers today with Haywood Hollywood Horses. Now, did you know that the very first assembly of photographs in sequential order to create a motion picture was a two-second clip of a Black man on a horse? Yes, it was. Yes, it was. Look it up. Now, I know you guys know Eadweard Muybridge, the grandfather of motion pictures, who took the pictures that created that clip. But does anybody know the name of the Black jockey that rode the horse? Nope. The very first stuntman, animal wrangler, and movie star all rolled into one, and there is literally no record of him. That man was a Bahamian jockey that went by the name of Alistair E. Haywood, and he is my great-great-grandfather…there’s another “great”…grandfather. That’s why back at the Haywood ranch, as the only Black-owned horse trainers in Hollywood, we like to say: Since the moment pictures could move, we had skin in the game.
Alright, let’s get into some safety precautions while we’re on set, shall we? Number one, please refrain from making any loud noises, sudden movements, and keep your cell phones off. We’d really appreciate that. Two, if you see anything that looks or feels unsafe, contact me, OJ, or your second in chain of command. And three, let’s have a great shoot! And I am Emerald Haywood. I direct, write, produce, act. I do a little singing on the side. Motorcycles, baby. Look, I make a mean grilled cheese if you’re looking for crafty. Just holla at me.
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