Secret Agent Man’s Recording Client Convos

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Photo Source: Spencer Alexander

Some people keep journals; I like recordings.

The conversations that take place in my office are classic. Some of them are serious, but most are hysterical bordering on the surreal. I don’t think actors realize how they sound. The gibberish just pours out of their mouths and they don’t expect anyone to notice.

Well, I definitely notice and that’s why I started recording all the conversations I have with my clients, in person and on the phone. I might want to write a book one day about my life as an agent and I realized those discussions are worth their weight in sales.

But that memoir is years away, so in the meantime, I’ve decided to share a few of my favorites. These chats have not been edited. They are taken directly from the original recordings and I’m presenting them here without comment.


Recording 1 - Tuesday, Feb. 17, 11:40 a.m.
(An edgy client in her 20s enters my office.)

Client: Surprise! What do you think?
Me: I love it. Your hair looks amazing. Let’s get new headshots.
Client: No, silly. My hair is exactly the same. I’m talking about THIS!

(She shows me her arm, which is covered with a massive tattoo of famous superheroes.)

Me: Oh my God. Is that real?
Client: Of course. It cost a fortune. Pretty cool, huh?
Me: I guess. It’s just that I wish you had talked to me before you did this.
Client: Why?
Me: Well, those are licensed characters owned by Marvel and DC Comics. They would have to be cleared every time you work. And that won’t be easy.
Client: Oh. Well, they could just cover the tattoo with makeup, right?
Me: Or they could just hire someone who doesn’t have one.

Recording 2 - Thursday, March 26, 6:55 p.m.
(After trying to reach a client all day, he finally returns my call, as I’m getting ready to leave.)

Me: Dude, where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours!
Client: Oh, sorry. I had my phone off.
Me: All right, don’t worry about it. I have good news. I finally got you in on that CBS pilot you’ve been bugging me about. They’ll see you tomorrow at 3 p.m.


Me: Hello? Are you there?
Client: There’s a problem.
Me: What kind of problem?
Client: I’m in Hawaii.
Me: What? I don’t have any record of that.
Client: Sorry. I didn’t book out.
Me: Why not???
Client: I was afraid I might miss something if I told you I was going out of town.
Me: And here we are…

Recording 3 - Wednesday, June 17, 4:15 p.m.
(A client in his 30s enters my office.)

Me: So what’s new and exciting?
Client: Well, I wanted you to be the first to know. I signed with a manager.
Me: You did what? Without even asking for my opinion?
Client: Hey, it’s my career.
Me: Yes, but it’s a decision we should’ve made together. You can’t just force me to work with someone I may or may not like. There could be bad history between us.
Client: Well, maybe you know him. His name is [redacted].
Me: Are you [redacted] kidding me? I hate that [redacted]! He’s a worthless piece of [redacted]!
Client: So how do we make this work?
Me: We don’t. You’re dropped. Get out.

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Secret Agent Man
Secret Agent Man is a Los Angeles–based talent agent and our resident tell-all columnist. Writing anonymously, he dishes out the candid and honest industry insight all actors need to hear.
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