Finding the perfect monologue is kind of like a meet-cute: random, unexpected, and totally delightful. Let us play matchmaker. Explore these great options we compiled from the rom-com canon to help you find “the One.” Spoilers ahead.
1. “The Holiday”: Iris empathizes with Miles
After finding himself cheated on and newly single, screenwriter Miles (Jack Black) is incredibly down about his situation. Iris (Kate Winslet), who’s spent the majority of the film trying to get over her newly engaged ex-boyfriend, knows the feeling all too well and works to comfort him while processing her own heartbreak. Expertly written by rom-com giant Nancy Meyers, this monologue’s biggest appeal is the way it smoothly transitions from conversational to deeply vulnerable.
IRIS:
I know it’s hard to believe people when they say “I know how you feel,” but I actually know how you feel. You see, I was, um, seeing someone back in London. We worked for the same newspaper. And then I found out that he was also seeing this other girl, Sarah. From the circulation department on the 19th floor. Turned out that he wasn’t in love with me like I thought. What I’m trying to say is, I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends—you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.
2. “The Proposal”: Andrew begs Margaret to stay
Canadian editor Margaret (Sandra Bullock) is in desperate need of a green card, so she convinces her assistant, Andrew (Ryan Reynolds), to marry her in order to stay in the United States. Of course, this is a rom-com, so the inevitable happens: The two actually fall in love, and Andrew chases Margaret down at the last possible second to tell her that he can’t live without her. This monologue is especially great out of context: While in the film we might be on to the fact that this is about to be a romantic gesture, on its own, it’s kind of surprising when it goes there, especially because the monologue starts off so combative (nothing screams romance like hoping someone gets hit by a car). This little shakeup is sure to keep an audience engaged.
ANDREW:
I need to talk to you. Margaret, stop talking! Can I say something? This’ll just take a sec. Three days ago, I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. Or poisoned. Yeah, I told you to stop talking. Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to change. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo. Even when you checked me out when we were naked. But I didn’t realize any of this, until I was standing alone... in a barn... wifeless. Now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country. So, Margaret, marry me, because I’d like to date you.
3. “27 Dresses”: Jane professes her love for Kevin
After serving as a bridesmaid in a whopping 27 weddings, Jane (Katherine Heigl) realizes that the man for her isn’t her boss whom she’s been chasing but Kevin (James Marsden), a journalist who wrote a story about her eternal bridesmaid status. She tracks him down at a wedding to tell him so. This monologue is fairly brief, only clocking in at about 30 seconds, but it packs a lot into that timeframe. And for what it’s worth, sometimes shorter is better!
JANE:
Kevin, I’ve been waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along—and then you showed up. And you are nothing like the man I imagined. You’re cynical—and cranky and impossible. But the truth is, fighting with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I think there’s a very good chance that I’m falling in love with you. So, that’s it. That’s all I have to say, so, I’ll go now.
4. “The Four Seasons”: Anne renews her vows
In the new sitcom adaptation of the 1981 rom-com film of the same name, mousy and somewhat neurotic Anne (Kerri Kenney-Silver) gives this glowing speech to her husband, Nick (Steve Carell), during their vow renewal. In the context of the show, it’s the definition of a hard watch—the renewal is a surprise to Nick, who’s planning on asking for a divorce. But we think this monologue could work great as a standalone piece; it’s as sincere and moving as it is quirky and a perfect ode to the realities of growing old together.
ANNE:
I love you. Not every second of every day, because that’s fake. I love you bigger than that. I love you in the fun times, like when we went to Santorini and you demanded that we watch “Speed 2: Cruise Control” in Greek. I love you in the harder times. Like when our daughter came way too early and you were really brave and you turned the NICU waiting room into your office for the next eight weeks. I love that you’re always surprising me, whether it’s you inexplicably getting into judo at 47, or buying me the world’s biggest kiln and installing it yourself even when the guy said it simply must be done by a professional. I just love you. And you annoy the hell out of me. And I annoy the hell out of you, too. And I would be so honored to annoy the hell out of each other in sickness and in health, and till death do us part.
5. “500 Days of Summer”: Tom’s had it with love
After his hopes of rekindling things with ex-girlfriend Summer (Zooey Deschanel) are dashed, Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) arrives at his greeting card company job in a horrible mood. When asked about his take on a greeting card pitch, he loses it. Tom starts off brash and sarcastic, eventually weakening when he realizes he no longer has the romantic worldview he once held on to so tightly. The entire monologue has a great arc, but if you’re looking for a shorter cut, it could easily begin with the line “This is exactly what I’m talking about.”
TOM:
Actually, you know what? Can I say something about the cat? Yeah, uh, this is—and, Rhoda, no disrespect here—but, um, this is total shit. “Go for it”? And “you can do it”? That’s not inspirational, that’s suicidal. If Pickles goes for it right there, that’s a dead cat. These are lies. We’re liars. Think about it. Why do people buy these things? It’s not ’cause they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards ’cause they can’t say how they feel or they’re afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let’s level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What—what—what is this? What does this say? “Congratulations on your new baby.” Right? How ’bout, “Congratulations on your new baby. Guess that’s it for hanging out. Nice knowing you.” How about this one, with all the pretty hearts on the front? I think I know where this is going. Yep! “Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart. I love you.” That’s sweet? Ain’t love grand? This is exactly what I’m talking about. What does that even mean, “love”? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I would eat it. It’s these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they’re to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We’re responsible. I’m responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths. Words like “love” that don’t mean anything. Sorry, I’m sorry. I, uh—I quit. I’m—there’s enough bullshit in the world without my help.
10 Devastating Monologues About Heartbreak6. “Crazy, Stupid, Love”: Jacob tells Cal what’s wrong with him
After running into the admittedly pathetic new divorcé Cal (Steve Carell) at a bar, bad boy Jacob (Ryan Gosling) takes pity on him and decides to help him figure himself out. As much a pep talk as it is a roast, this speech is the perfect showcase for any young man looking for a comedic monologue with a bit of an edge.
JACOB:
David Lindhagen. David Lindhagen, I know. How do I know that? I’m a total stranger, how would I know something so intimate about your life? Do you want to know why I know that, Cal? ’Cause it’s all that I’ve heard, Cal, for the past two nights. That’s all anybody’s heard. You’re going around and you’re, like—you’re, like, badgering people with this sad sack loser sob story and I don’t understand why. No, sit down. Look, I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. And you need to hear the truth, so permission to speak candidly, sir? You’re sitting there with a Supercuts haircut, you’re getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl, and you’re wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. Honestly, I don’t know if I should help you or I should euthanize you. Cal, you got a kind face. You got a good head of hair. You seem like a nice guy. I want to help you. I’m going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea, like, where you lost it?
7. “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”: Cal tries to flirt
In a scene not too long after Jacob’s monologue, Cal tries to put all of his new pickup skills to the test—with predictable, disastrous results. He talks about all the things he isn’t supposed to, brings up how sweaty he is, and insults the woman he’s trying to pick up. The craziest part of all? It works. Funny, dorky, and a little cringy, this is a great monologue for anyone needing to channel their inner lovable loser.
CAL:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Okay, you know what? I’m in corporate insurance. I have children—plural. And my wife was cheating on me with David Lindhagen, which I wasn’t supposed to tell you about, either, but I did. Nice to meet you. I don’t know. I don’t know. I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute, which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. But now it’s become corrupted. And I have 18 layers of clothes on. I’m wearing a shirt and a tie, and a sweater, and a suede jacket that just seals in all the heat. Seals in all the juices. I’m just—it’s all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. I’m—this—this sweater, this is called “slim cut,” but it feels like a scuba suit. And I’m looking at your breasts. What’s that about?
8. “Bridesmaids”: Annie has a meltdown
Annie (Kristen Wiig) is down on her luck: She’s working a job she hates, and she’s had to move back in with her mom. Despite that, she puts all of her energy into making sure her best friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) has a great wedding. So when she realizes that bridesmaid Helen (Rose Byrne), who’s already thwarted her at every turn, stole her idea for the bridal shower theme—and then takes it a step further by buying Lillian an actual trip to Paris—Annie absolutely loses it. In true Wiig style, this monologue requires you to go big or go home, but it’s a great one to keep in your back pocket if you need something truly zany.
ANNIE:
Are you fucking kidding me? No, Mom. Motherfucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea! No, Lillian! What, are you gonna go—you’re gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh, how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it, aren’t we? Okay! Yes, we’re all thinking it, right? Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that fucking cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know what? That reminds me, actually. I never got a chance to try that fucking cookie!
9. “Something’s Gotta Give”: Zoe gives Harry the third degree
During a tense family dinner, Zoe (Frances McDormand) playfully (yet forcefully) launches into Harry (Jack Nicholson), her niece’s much older boyfriend. She’s as much criticizing him as she is society at large, pointing out the fact that he’s a carefree Casanova while her divorced sister sits on the proverbial shelf. Witty and pointed, this is the perfect choice if you need a monologue for a commanding, no-nonsense, take-charge kind of character.
ZOE:
Come on, this is really fascinating, what’s going on at this table. Look, let’s take you and Erica for example. Harry, you’ve been around the block a few times, am I right? What are you, around 60? Sixty-three. Fantastic! Never married, which, as we know, if you were a woman, would be a curse. You’d be an old maid, a spinster. Blah, blah, blah. So instead of pitying you, they write articles about you. Celebrate you never marrying. You’re elusive and un-getable, a real catch. Then, there’s my gorgeous sister here. Wait, no, this is interesting. Look at her. She is so accomplished. The most successful female playwright since who? Lillian Hellman? She’s over 50, divorced, and she sits in night after night after night because the available guys her age want something—forgive me for saying this, honey—but they want somebody that looks like Marin. The whole over-50 dating scene is geared towards men leaving older women out. And as a result, the women become more and more productive, and therefore, more and more interesting. Which, in turn, makes them even less desirable because as we all know, men—especially older men—are threatened and deathly afraid of productive, interesting women. It is just so clear! Single older women as a demographic are about as fucked a group as can ever exist.
10. “13 Going on 30”: Jenna has a new idea
The conceit of this movie is a little silly—involving 13-year-old Jenny, who suddenly wakes up as her 30-year-old self (Jennifer Garner)—but it features a gem of a monologue when she has to give a work presentation for her fashion magazine job. It runs the risk of being sticky-sweet, but with even an ounce of the sincerity Garner infuses into the performance, it can be deeply moving, too. Like its place in the film, we think this monologue would work just as well for a teen actor as it would for a grownup one.
JENNA:
I know this is different. I mean, from anything we’ve ever done. And I know you might hate it and think I’m completely crazy, but I won’t care, even if I get fired. And I don’t mean that disrespectfully, it’s just that I’ve realized something. Who are these women? Does anyone know? I don’t recognize any of them. I want to see my best friend’s big sister, and the girls from the soccer team, my next-door neighbor, real women who are smart and pretty and happy to be who they are. These are the women to look up to. Let’s put life back into the magazine. And fun and laughter and silliness. I think we all—I think all of us—want to feel something that we’ve forgotten or turned our backs on because maybe we didn’t realize how much we were leaving behind. We need to remember what used to be good. If we don’t, we won’t recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes.
