Make ‘Em Laugh With These 5 Comedic Monologues for Men

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Photo Source: “Schitt's Creek” Courtesy CBC Television

While Dan Levy may be capable of both writing and performing hilarious, histrionic pieces as David in “Schitt’s Creek,” most actors find that there’s nothing humorous about trying to find a comedic monologue. Just keep in mind that there’s a universal truth working in your favor: Everyone likes to laugh. If you’re looking to tickle some funny bones, check out these monologues written for male-identifying performers.

“City Slickers” (film) by Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel: Mitch

If you’re looking for a midlife crisis ramble, “City Slickers” is a good option. “It’s all downhill from here” is at the heart of a speech Mitch (Billy Crystal) gives to his son’s elementary school class on career day. Things plummet down a darkly funny path as he details the horrors of growing old.

Value this time in your life, kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager, you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money, and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly; you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties, you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Your sixties, you have a major surgery. The music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering, “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” By the eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?

“New Girl” (television) by Elizabeth Meriwether: Winston

If you’re looking for some sitcom silliness, this show is ripe for the picking. In the first season, Lamorne Morris’ Winston delivers an epic Saturday morning rant after his roommates and their friends wake him up too early. The result is a fun monologue that showcases an actor’s comedic prowess. Morris nails it in his version, but there are endless possibilities to make the over-the-top quip your own. 

All right, everybody, stop! Wherever you are right now, just sit down. OK, now, Saturday is a day for sleeping. And damn it, you do not take that away from me! You—give her her scarf back! Finders keepers is not a thing. You—get out of my house!

Who am I? Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins, and Nick is my lover on the down low. Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really does down in apartment 4D. Oh, great Negro spiritual, please come down and loose these chains on this woman! Flesh on flesh. When the lights are off, we are all the same.

Dear lord, help me, Father! Get out of my house. Get out of my house! 

“Palm Springs” (film) by Andy Siara and Max Barbakow: Nyles 

The acclaimed 2020 flick that charmed audiences could help you charm people on the other side of the table. Nyles (Andy Samberg) bookends the film with a duo of memorable monologues. The first is a quirky alcohol-fueled wedding reception toast that no one asked for.

We are born lost. Then we’re found, but we’re all just lost, am I right? However, in the darkness comes light. Tala Anne Wilder and Abraham Eugene Trent Schlieffen, who do not look like siblings. You see, their optimism, their selflessness—it’s in their blood. And Tala, there’s something that a lot of people here don’t know about you, but they should. I hope you don’t mind. It’s not just time and money that Tala has given to so many charitable causes. She has also donated of herself. Bone marrow. That’s right. She gave hers to her baby brother Nico, saving his life. But now it’s time for us to give to you. Here you are standing on the precipice of something so much bigger than anyone here. And it may be frightening and filled with doubt. But always remember: You are not alone. Everyone here is your family. We are your world. And we will cheer you on with delight in our eyes as you achieve your wildest dreams. So raise a glass. We may be born lost, but now you are found. Cheers.

“Schitt’s Creek” (television) by Dan Levy, Eugene Levy, Michael Short, David West Read, Kevin White: David  

While the beloved show brims with iconic characters that shouldn’t be touched (we’re looking at you, Moira Rose), there are many moments that could make for hilarious monologues. For example, the eighth episode of Season 3 has several revolving around Daniel Levy’s character, David Rose, and his new business plan (or lack thereof). One standout is when David leaves a hilarious heap of voicemails for future boyfriend Patrick about his plans for the general store. There are several other instances within the episode that could be cobbled together for a comedic piece.

(leaving a voicemail)  

Hi, David, it's Patrick. I, um...was just calling to run my business plan, uh, by you in a little more detail. So, feel free to give me a call back, and I will be happy to walk you through it. OK, ciao!
(hangs up)
“Ciao.” I said “ciao” to that person.
(calls again to leave another voicemail)
Hi, Patrick. Yeah, I think I...I think I called you David. Which that's not...that's not your name. You can just delete that text...the mess—uh, the voicemail that I left you. Um, just thought it might be a good idea to give you some background information about...the...the store. It's basically a general store, um, that will support local artists under the brand of the store, which...which would also be my brand.
(phone dings)
Sorry, I just got a text. Oh, God.
(hangs up, then calls voicemail again)
Sorry, the text cut us off…

“Unbearable Hotness” (theater) by Gabrielle Davis: Brandon 

We’re throwing some theater in here for good measure. This one-act comedic play is chock-full of juicy and explicit monologues. One of the funniest is when Brandon details how he may have accidentally just pushed Chuck off the roof of the house party. It starts with: “I just fuckin’ killed Chuck.”

I just fuckin’ killed Chuck. I think. I mean, he’s just laying out there. He's not moving. I don't think he's breathing.

I mean, there I was just up on the roof with Marissa—talking, laughing, having a great time. I tell her she reminds me of Sandra Bullock. I tell her I loved “Hope Floats.” Who knew those would be the magic words? Next thing I know her clothes are off and we’re loosening roof shingles like there’s no tomorrow. And then there’s biting and kissing and touching and suddenly someone starts beating on me. I mean, just pounding on me and growling. Yeah, growling. And I look up and there’s Chuck. And I’m like, “What’s the problem?” and he says, “The problem is, dude, you’re fucking my girlfriend.” 

So I look at Marissa and I’m like, “You’re someone’s girlfriend?” And she says, “No.” Then it comes out Chuck just wishes she’s his girlfriend but actually she’s his cousin or something, so he’s got these feelings of guilt about wanting her...and then he starts crying. 

So that ruined the mood. Marissa puts her clothes on, and she goes back down through the window, back into the party. And I’m left with Chuck. Blubbering, whining, crying Chuck. 

And he starts in on how he’s just this total fuckup and maybe he should just throw himself off the roof. And for a split second I’m thinking, “Yes! Throw yourself off the roof! Do it!” But I don’t say that. I say, “You’re gonna get a girl, buddy, just maybe not your cousin, huh?” And then I give him a friendly pat on the back. A nice manly slap on the back. And he looked heavy. I mean, who knew he’d go flying? Who knew he’d go flying right off the roof?

If one of these hilarious monologues for men fits you, go for it. If not, your homework is to watch some comedies. Not a bad assignment, right? Search for writing that you truly connect with, and transcribe a scene if you have to. There’s even the possibility of skewing a malleable dramatic monologue into a comedic performance. After all, good writing reflects real-life truths, and sometimes even the most dramatic moments can be pretty funny.

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Robert Peterpaul
Robert Peterpaul is an actor, writer, and the owner of RPP, which aims to assist talent in the entertainment industry in honing their craft.
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