You might assume that the role of an intimacy coordinator is just to make a sex scene look, well, sexy. But there’s much more to the job than that. The intimacy coordinator is there to not only help the director choreograph intimate scenes, but to help performers improve their acting—all while ensuring comfort and safety in vulnerable moments. Here are some tips that will make you a better actor.
Know your boundaries
The relationship between an intimacy coordinator and an actor is like any balanced partnership—each of you is there to learn and help the other, to test things out and see what works and what doesn’t. “I find when people have a sense of what the boundaries are, they can go right up to them, or they can go to the edge of the boundary without it being a threat,” Nisha Ahuja (“Never Have I Ever”) told Backstage.
Communicating your own personal boundaries will make sure things go smoothly on set. “When you know what it is that you can do and what’s in your toolkit, you can actually feel way freer to play around and try new things—because your scene partner has told you, ‘You can touch me here; you can touch me there,’ ” said “Blindspotting” intimacy coordinator Mia Schachter. So when it’s time to film a sex scene, come prepared with a list of things you’re not only unwilling to do, but what you’re open to.
Communicate with your director
An intimacy coordinator can be a go-between for an actor and their director to open up a dialogue without the actor fearing that they’re being “difficult.” This was the case for actor Emily Meade while working on HBO’s “The Deuce.” Because the show had new directors (and sex scenes) every episode, she worried that voicing her concerns would cause problems.
It was intimacy coordinator Alicia Rodis who served as a mediator between Meade and the show’s directors. “If I have any sort of issues or questions, I can tell her and she can deliver that back to the directors and all these things can be established before the conversation I have with the director, where we are talking about how it’s gonna artistically work,” Meade told us.
How to Communicate Better as an ActorAlways be aware of your breath
No, we aren’t talking about popping a mint before a kissing scene (though that’s certainly important). As Ita O’Brien, intimacy coordinator for the Hulu limited series “Conversations With Friends,” explained in an interview with Backstage, “Breath is a biggie.”
Filming an intimate scene is like a choreographed dance, so learning how to harness your breath helps you create and sustain a necessary rhythm. “Breath sells it. So once that shape is known, you can step back and just let the actors fly,” O’Brien said. Because chemistry is often about the interrelationship between the mind, body, and emotions, knowing when to take a breath or when to speed things up becomes apparent, not just in intimate scenes but in conversational moments, as well.
Stand up for yourself
“I find that most actors are hardwired to agree to anything. You are trained to jump into most circumstances with trust and an open heart. But you should know that your ‘No’ is very powerful,” said casting director and “Sugar” intimacy coordinator Marci Liroff. So no matter who is asking—a director, a costume designer, or a costar—if you don’t feel comfortable, say no.
Check out SAG-AFTRA’s Quick Guide for Scenes Involving Nudity and Simulated Sex before engaging in discussions about sexy sequences. Also, look at your contract, which stipulates that an actor can say no in the middle of a scene, even if you’ve previously agreed to it. And remember that no scene is worth your discomfort. As actor Riley Keough told us when discussing intimate scenes, “The most important thing is knowing that you can say, ‘Hey, I don’t want to do another take, I’m uncomfortable’.... Stop, and you can breathe, and you can take your time.”
So, You’ve Been Cast in a Nude Scene—Here’s What to ExpectMake a post-scene de-stress plan
After filming any intense sequence, it’s important to have a plan to de-stress, either in between takes or after. “Bridgerton” intimacy coordinator Lizzy Talbot brought in yoga mats and large stress balls to help actors decompress after filming. “I would pause while we were shooting,” director Julie Anne Robinson told Backstage, “and the intimacy coordinator would run in with levels of protection for the actors to just keep them feeling separated.”
Another technique for recovering from triggering material is to physically change your appearance, which can help create separation from the work you’ve just completed. “It can help you connect with yourself again,” said Liroff, who gave the example of taking off a wig or makeup to help you recalibrate. “This should feel ceremonial, as if you are shedding the skin of the character and snapping back into yourself.”
